Joke of the Day

Splint · Post by **Splint** » 20 May 2004 09:01

I thought it would be fun to have a thread that we could all post jokes to. Nothing racist, excessively lude, or totally offensive. Just funny stuff we either get through e-mail or find on our web surfing.

Feel free to post yours as well. Depending on how it goes maybe it'll become a Sticky.

Seven bartenders were asked if they could identify womens personalities based on what drinks were chosen. Though interviewed separately,they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

WOMEN

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender drinks with umbrella
Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed drinks - no umbrellas
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Approach: If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (bottled not 4 litre cask)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated. (Pretentious)
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.

Drink: Barcardi Breezer - Hooch
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated, actually has absolutely no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...and you're in.

Drink: Shots (Vodka, Gin etc.)
Personality: Hanging with boy pals or looking to get drunk and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

EDIT: I could have chosen a slightly less sexist joke to start off, but I'm the kind of person who is all for equal opportunity joking.

kaos · Post by **kaos** » 20 May 2004 10:45

Well since Splint is picking on the ladies

, what about

IF MEN DRINK...

Cider:
He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

Cheap Domestic Beer:
He's poor / student and wants to get laid.

Premium Local Beer:
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer:
He's old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Guinness:
The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.

Water:
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so
that he can still get laid.

Wine:
He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image
and help him get laid.

Vodka or Brandy:
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.

Port:
Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.

Whisky:
He doesn't give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will
get in his way of getting laid.

Jack Daniels:
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine
activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.

Rum or Tequila:
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

Oh, and here is another one:

shredj · Post by **shredj** » 20 May 2004 16:30

haha nice Kobus

Guest · Post by **Guest** » 20 May 2004 16:51

I'm sure everyone has already seen this but,

Go to http://www.google.com and type in weapons of mass destruction. Then hit "i'm feeling lucky."

pill · Post by **pill** » 20 May 2004 17:03

yea i saw that before, it's great

kaos · Post by **kaos** » 21 May 2004 05:30

Not necessarily a joke per se, but for all of you that think your job is bad...

Quit complaining about your job!!!

Edit: Just found a joke on the same topic:

When you have a "I hate my job" (or my life) day try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Johnson and Johnson." Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on a table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the written material that comes with the thermometer and read it.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested"
Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company."
Have a nice day folks and remember, there is always someone with a worse job than yours.

Dat · Post by **Dat** » 23 May 2004 21:00

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold

Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both

of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are

hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.

That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's

nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we

should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of

our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this

must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car

is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely

God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she

hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle

and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and

immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "

kaos · Post by **kaos** » 25 May 2004 00:56

Hey there guys.

Friend of mine tipped me of:
Vacancies in an international distribution Company ...

Word has it there are many perks to the job.

Below is the full description of the job requirements & job description ...

Hold thumbs my interview was yesterday,
Will let you guys know how it goes

Moving higher & HIGHER i hope !!!!!

Splint · Post by **Splint** » 26 May 2004 06:48

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.

A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your
IQ?"

The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make
conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and
so on.

The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

Another gent came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your
IQ?"

The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking
about football, baseball, and so on.

The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."

A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot
asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "50"

The robot then asked, "So, are you really going to vote for Bush
again?"

FlexThis · Post by **FlexThis** » 26 May 2004 07:06

kaos · Post by **kaos** » 01 Jun 2004 23:59

'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? '

"It's not unusual....."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

Phone answering machine message -
"...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."

"How's that?"

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

underooninja · Post by **underooninja** » 02 Jun 2004 09:03

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:

8:00 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m.Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 a.m.Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
Noon- Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 p.m.Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 p.m.Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!
5:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 p.m.Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!
6:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
8:30 p.m Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the high metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ....

Splint · Post by **Splint** » 02 Jun 2004 09:36

Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in
liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "MOUNT & DO."

MegaFighter_X · Post by **MegaFighter_X** » 02 Jun 2004 22:16

In endgland in 183e0, William Hukkison became the first person ever run over by a railroad train. Would that make you feel stupid? For millions and millions of years there were no trains, and then seuddenly you have trains and you get run over?

Splint · Post by **Splint** » 07 Jun 2004 13:39

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?''

Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''

And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''

dblthnk84 · Post by **dblthnk84** » 07 Jun 2004 22:28

Who's the most popular guy at a newd beach?

The man who can carry 2 cups of coffee and 10 donuts.
________
hotbox vaporizer

kaos · Post by **kaos** » 08 Jun 2004 05:48

First year students at Medical School were receiving their
first anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body
Covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by
telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as
A doctor. The first is that you should not be disgusted by anything
Involving the human body." The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck
His finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in
His mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students initially freaked out, hesitated for several
minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anus of
the corpse and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor
looked at the class and told them, "The second most important quality
is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger but sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention!"

shredj · Post by **shredj** » 08 Jun 2004 05:53

In Arkansas this week, a woman gave birth to her 15th child. The mother gave birth at home, next to her pellet feeder and exercise wheel.

kaos · Post by **kaos** » 10 Jun 2004 05:08

On a propaganda tour through the United States President George Bush visits a school and explains his political actions. Afterwards he invites the children to ask him questions. Little Bob rises to speak: Mr. President, I have got three questions to ask:

1. How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore?
2. Why do you want to attack the Iraq without reason?
3. Don't you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest terrorist attack of all times?

Just in that moment the bell for the break rings and the children run out of the classroom. When they come back from the break President Bush encourages them again to ask questions.
This time Joey rises to speak: Mr. President, I have got five questions to ask:

1. How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore?
2. Why do you want to attack the Iraq without reason?
3. Don't you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest terrorist attack of all times?
4. Why did the bell ring 20 minutes earlier today?
5. Where is Bob ???

kaos · Post by **kaos** » 11 Jun 2004 14:01

Notes from An Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Durban, South Africa from the U.S.

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all the beer.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. b*tch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I f*rted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them!

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that sl*t Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a fcuking thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh*t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Fcuk it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

So you think your job is bad??

One liners...

Notes from An Inexperienced Curry Taster