When she tells you: "I have a boyfriend"

Sergey · Post by **Sergey** » 15 Oct 2008 06:14

I'd like to hear what you guys think when a girl hits you with a line like this.

Describe what thought are running though your head.

Please be honest. I'm conducting a study and want to hear honest opinions.

Girls are more than welcome to discuss this too.

mc · Post by mc » 15 Oct 2008 09:28

if she is being honest, I can respect her for having a relationship and for being up-front about it, and I will stop advancing.

if she is being dishonest, I can respect her for not wanting to be with me in that capacity, and I will stop advancing.

I'm usually not one to be advancing at all, though. I will occasionally, but I don't do it casually or spontaneously. It's usually in situations in which I'm pretty certain it's going to be received positively. I'm not into the shotgun approach any more. casual, trivial sex is fun on the short term, but I currently live in a small town, and I often move in very limited social circles, and I don't like to pay the social cost of randomly hooking up with some girl that I'm going to have to see ALL the TIME (hell, I've done it once or twice in this town, and it's bad enough).

so, my point is,

that's my opinion, but it's based on very few experiences with actually hearing that.

Rieferman · Post by **Rieferman** » 15 Oct 2008 09:58

story 1
My first serious girlfriend ever had a boyfriend that went to another highschool. But I really liked her, so I told her that, and then I continued to stay close as a "friend" until she realized she was being an idiot and dumped the other guy.

story 2
When I first dated my wife, she was also dating another guy, but she wasn't up front about it. When things looked like they were going past "get to know you" onto "looks like things could go someplace", she told me about the other guy. And then she was like "but this is so new, it'll be ok for us to keep things casual right?" (i.e. she wanted to date both of us still). I told her she was fine to keep seeing that guy, and when she was done with that to give me a call. She dumped him that night.

---
So, my opinion is, tell her what you really think, and if you're the better fit for her, she'll figure it out quickly.

Jeremy · Post by **Jeremy** » 15 Oct 2008 13:51

"You fucking whore. Where is my hunting knife?"

Post by **Zac Miley** » 15 Oct 2008 15:00

I post in the "What Makes you Sad?" topic.

Jeremy · Post by **Jeremy** » 15 Oct 2008 16:17

The question isn't what do you do - it's what do you think?

So I'm guessing your thought is; "Hooray, now I have something to post in the 'what makes me sad' topic."

In reality I guess it really depends on the circumstances. If I've been making advances on a girl and she says that, I'll be disappointed but get over it pretty quickly. If things have been more reciprocal - like the instances Bob gave, it tends to turn me off completely, and even if she dumped the boyfriend for me, I'd say it's very unlikely we would get together. Although I'm obviously not at all morally conservative, I value integrity higher than anything, and indeed there are 2 girls in the last couple of years who I rejected purely because of instances where they demonstrated an unacceptable lack of integrity. Possibly this explains why I never have long relationships

I've almost finished an interesting book about this (The Freedom Paradox by Clive Hamilton), which I'll post about in the 50 books topic soon, but basically you're not really free unless you choose to live by self imposed restrictions - it's not the range of choices that makes you free, but the ability to choose not to do things.

Sorry, that was a bit of a hijack.

Wasabi · Post by **Wasabi** » 15 Oct 2008 16:31

edit: Nevermind.

Post by **Zac Miley** » 15 Oct 2008 18:59

Jeremy wrote:The question isn't what do you do - it's what do you think?

Oh I just read the title, sorry.

max · Post by **max** » 15 Oct 2008 19:27

"Don't worry, I won't tell him anything!"

shredzilla · Post by **shredzilla** » 15 Oct 2008 20:35

"It's all good, I'm not the jealous type!"

Moxie · Post by **Moxie** » 15 Oct 2008 21:48

Girls sometimes have boyfriends. Other times they lie and say "I have a boyfriend" when it's not true. Oh well.

It seems really silly when a guy keeps pursuing a girl if she says "I have a boyfriend" and the guy doesn't believe her. "What's his name? So what does _____ do?" And asks about the (possibly made up) boyfriend every time he sees the girl. Right, so maybe she's lying, but isn't that a good indication that she doesn't like you? This just started happening to a friend of mine last week. "What, do I have to tell him that I find him slightly repulsive?" she asked me.

Yes, apparently you do.

I've had it happen too, where a guy tried to catch me in a lie. Wouldn't finding out I lied about having a b/f be more embarrassing for you than for me?

I thought it was funny when a married woman I know was being hit on by a guy and she told him, "I'm married."
Without missing a beat he said, "I don't mind."

Smooth. It didn't work, but it was smooth.

It's only happened once that I asked a guy out and he told me he had a girlfriend. (I haven't asked a lot of people out.) Immediate turn off in two ways. Option 1. He has a g/f and is committed and it would be pathetic for me to pursue him. Option 2. He has a g/f and would cheat. Yuck. I'm not desperate enough to need to be with a skanky boy. I guess that's a difference between many girls and many guys: I see it as a guy who wouldn't be good to date (once a cheater...), a guy in the same situation would probably be fine with hooking up with a girl who is already attached because it would indicate "string-free."

Jeremy · Post by **Jeremy** » 15 Oct 2008 21:53

Guys who cheat on their girlfriends aren't "skanky", they're "playaaaghs."

Sergey · Post by **Sergey** » 16 Oct 2008 06:51

Matt Cross wrote:if she is being honest, I can respect her for having a relationship and for being up-front about it, and I will stop advancing.

if she is being dishonest, I can respect her for not wanting to be with me in that capacity, and I will stop advancing.

Matt, but how do you decide if she was honest or not with you?

Jeremy wrote:â€¦but basically you're not really free unless you choose to live by self imposed restrictions - it's not the range of choices that makes you free, but the ability to choose not to do things.

I couldnâ€™t agree more Jeremy. Rules need to be defined and followed at all times.

Moxie wrote:It seems really silly when a guy keeps pursuing a girl if she says "I have a boyfriend" and the guy doesn't believe her.

Ok, letâ€™s assume I am in love with you Moxie. I am so into you that I am thinking about marrying you and making 10 babies together.

Then it turns out that you have a boyfriend. Oh no!

What should I do? Should I wait till you are single and then â€œgoâ€

habitat · Post by **habitat** » 16 Oct 2008 12:45

If a girl says "she has a bf" and you continue to pursue her, you are entering borderline rapist mode. It's not conceding defeat, it's following the law and not being an idiot. Why is there even a discussion about this?

Let's say she is just playing a game with you, do you really want a girl like that? One that will try to manipulate you for the rest of your relationship and make you do all this shit to be with her? If so, fuck it, just save yourself the time and an hero immediately.

You must realize that (successful, reciprocated) love at first sight just doesn't really exist. Just because you "think" you love a girl and will be with her ... that's just stupid. That's how high school relationships go and they usually last about no time at all. It's a pathetic concept and yes, there is something wrong with you if you pursue a relationship off of this principle. Especially when she's telling you to fuck off. When she rejects you, you move on. It's not "wanting it easy" it's just being efficient.

And the idea of creating a better relationship out a relationship that you destroy is just plain stupid. STUPID. Put aside your male ego and move on the the next chick. There are billions more, literally. Relationships that feel right and there is no game playing and the ones you "want to have 10 babies with" not cock teases you meet at the club.

To be honest Sergey, reading your posts and looking at your pic, you scare the shit out of me.

EDIT: Sergey, check out "The Mystery Method" It's right up your alley.

Sergey · Post by **Sergey** » 16 Oct 2008 13:47

Ok, thanks for sharing your opinions with me. I appreciate your honesty.

habitat · Post by **habitat** » 16 Oct 2008 14:24

Sergey wrote:Ok, thanks for sharing your opinions with me. I appreciate your honesty.

I didn't say all of that with a condescending/dickhead tone, although it could be interpreted that way. Saying you scare me was a just a joke. I just had to clarify that.

SlashC · Post by **SlashC** » 16 Oct 2008 14:46

I don't think I've ever really "pursued" a girl who I haven't already known and been friends with for some time. When a girl I've just met says to me, "I have a boyfriend," I usually say something like, "Oh, that's nice." That they thought I was pursueing them vaguely offends, but mostly amuses me.

Sergey · Post by **Sergey** » 16 Oct 2008 15:50

Jeremy · Post by **Jeremy** » 16 Oct 2008 16:20

habitat wrote:If a girl says "she has a bf" and you continue to pursue her, you are entering borderline rapist mode. It's not conceding defeat, it's following the law and not being an idiot. Why is there even a discussion about this?

James, when we talk about "pursuing" in this topic, we don't mean literally chasing after them. We just mean that you continue to flirt with them.

habitat · Post by **habitat** » 16 Oct 2008 20:08

Sure. I still think it's ultimately pointless, to me that is. Go for it if you feel up to it.