Joke of the Day
-
bigdirtyfoot
- Sloppy
- Posts: 3142
- Joined: 22 Apr 2002 12:30
- Location: NC
-
bigdirtyfoot
- Sloppy
- Posts: 3142
- Joined: 22 Apr 2002 12:30
- Location: NC
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him"
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him"
Kobus Brümmer
__________________
"On résiste à l'invasion des armées; on ne résiste pas à l'invasion des idées" - Victor Hugo
__________________
"On résiste à l'invasion des armées; on ne résiste pas à l'invasion des idées" - Victor Hugo
There was a guy who was having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection....
After a week of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor.The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes a diagnosis.
"Well there's good news and there is bad new, " she says. "So what is the good news?" he asks. The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment availible, but there are no guaratees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it??"
The guy thinks about it and finnaly says, "well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just to much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it!"
So the doctor performs the operation.
A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stiring between his legs, it gets progresively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.
Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relief some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps form his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
"Wow!!!" Says his girlfriend, "That is impressive!!! Can you do taht again??"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably... But I don't think I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!
After a week of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor.The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes a diagnosis.
"Well there's good news and there is bad new, " she says. "So what is the good news?" he asks. The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment availible, but there are no guaratees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it??"
The guy thinks about it and finnaly says, "well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just to much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it!"
So the doctor performs the operation.
A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stiring between his legs, it gets progresively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.
Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relief some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps form his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
"Wow!!!" Says his girlfriend, "That is impressive!!! Can you do taht again??"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably... But I don't think I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!
Kobus Brümmer
__________________
"On résiste à l'invasion des armées; on ne résiste pas à l'invasion des idées" - Victor Hugo
__________________
"On résiste à l'invasion des armées; on ne résiste pas à l'invasion des idées" - Victor Hugo
The MAN Code
The MAN Code [Rated R]
1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"
2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothin'.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.
20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.
27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not, unless you are gay.
1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"
2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothin'.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.
20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.
27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not, unless you are gay.
Kobus Brümmer
__________________
"On résiste à l'invasion des armées; on ne résiste pas à l'invasion des idées" - Victor Hugo
__________________
"On résiste à l'invasion des armées; on ne résiste pas à l'invasion des idées" - Victor Hugo
Due to Americans being unable to elect a suitable leader the Queen has decided to revoke their independence - text follows:
"Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories including New Jersey.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which
she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP
for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a
world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without
the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same
twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
"interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is
a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby
sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there
is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The
Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
11. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason
12. Enjoy warm flat beer and steak and kidney pudding. Train waitresses to
be more aggressive with customers and not to tell you their names before
you eat.
13. All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to take
six weeks annual vacation and observe statutory tea breaks.
14. Driving on the left is now compulsory - recall all cars to effect the
change immediately.
15. Report to our Consulate General in NY - M Wragg - for your new
passport and job allocation.
16. Have Meg Ryan report to the Prince Andrews Bedchamber.
17. Add the Royal insignia to the top of the Washington Monument - and the
Queens Christmas speeches to the Lincoln Memorial.
18. Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball and instead call it the
National Series of USA, Cuba and Japan.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation and have a nice day!"
No offence meant to the USAers (nor the French).
"Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories including New Jersey.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which
she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP
for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a
world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without
the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same
twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
"interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is
a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby
sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there
is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The
Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
11. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason
12. Enjoy warm flat beer and steak and kidney pudding. Train waitresses to
be more aggressive with customers and not to tell you their names before
you eat.
13. All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to take
six weeks annual vacation and observe statutory tea breaks.
14. Driving on the left is now compulsory - recall all cars to effect the
change immediately.
15. Report to our Consulate General in NY - M Wragg - for your new
passport and job allocation.
16. Have Meg Ryan report to the Prince Andrews Bedchamber.
17. Add the Royal insignia to the top of the Washington Monument - and the
Queens Christmas speeches to the Lincoln Memorial.
18. Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball and instead call it the
National Series of USA, Cuba and Japan.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation and have a nice day!"
No offence meant to the USAers (nor the French).
Kobus Brümmer
__________________
"On résiste à l'invasion des armées; on ne résiste pas à l'invasion des idées" - Victor Hugo
__________________
"On résiste à l'invasion des armées; on ne résiste pas à l'invasion des idées" - Victor Hugo
The Mother Superior is busy in her office at the nunnery when
suddenly there is a knock at the door. She opens the door and
finds the Seven Dwarves standing there.
"Can I help you?" she asks.
"Yes," replies Doc. "Are there any three-foot nuns here?"
"Don't be absurd," answers the Mother Superior, and she closes
the door.
A few minutes later there is another knock. She opens
the door and finds the Seven Dwarves again.
"Now what?" she asks.
"Well," says Grumpy, "we were wondering if there are any
3 ft nuns anywhere in the city."
"Absolutely not," she snaps, and shuts the door.
Several minutes later there is another knock at the door.
This time Sleepy asks, "Do you think there might be any 3 ft nuns
anywhere in the whole country?"
The Mother Superior angrily closes the door without bothering to
reply. A few minutes later, the Dwarves knock again. The Mother
Superior flings the door open and screams, "NO, NO, NO!
THERE ARE NO 3 FT NUNS IN THIS NUNNERY, IN THIS CITY, IN THIS
COUNTRY, OR ANYWHERE ON EARTH & THERE NEVER HAVE BEEN AND THERE
NEVER WILL BE! EVER!!! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE." And she slams the
door closed.
The Dwarves stand there for a moment, stunned by her outburst.
Then they start to chant: "Dopey screwed a penguin,
Dopey screwed a penguin..."
suddenly there is a knock at the door. She opens the door and
finds the Seven Dwarves standing there.
"Can I help you?" she asks.
"Yes," replies Doc. "Are there any three-foot nuns here?"
"Don't be absurd," answers the Mother Superior, and she closes
the door.
A few minutes later there is another knock. She opens
the door and finds the Seven Dwarves again.
"Now what?" she asks.
"Well," says Grumpy, "we were wondering if there are any
3 ft nuns anywhere in the city."
"Absolutely not," she snaps, and shuts the door.
Several minutes later there is another knock at the door.
This time Sleepy asks, "Do you think there might be any 3 ft nuns
anywhere in the whole country?"
The Mother Superior angrily closes the door without bothering to
reply. A few minutes later, the Dwarves knock again. The Mother
Superior flings the door open and screams, "NO, NO, NO!
THERE ARE NO 3 FT NUNS IN THIS NUNNERY, IN THIS CITY, IN THIS
COUNTRY, OR ANYWHERE ON EARTH & THERE NEVER HAVE BEEN AND THERE
NEVER WILL BE! EVER!!! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE." And she slams the
door closed.
The Dwarves stand there for a moment, stunned by her outburst.
Then they start to chant: "Dopey screwed a penguin,
Dopey screwed a penguin..."
Kobus Brümmer
__________________
"On résiste à l'invasion des armées; on ne résiste pas à l'invasion des idées" - Victor Hugo
__________________
"On résiste à l'invasion des armées; on ne résiste pas à l'invasion des idées" - Victor Hugo
-
SpaceMonkey
- Multidex Master
- Posts: 316
- Joined: 27 Jan 2004 18:10
- Location: Newburgh, IN
DISCLAIMER: This joke will only be funny to those that watches rugby, particularly aimed at the kiwis on the forum...
Why are South African men better lovers than kiwis?
Because they can stay on top for 79 minutes, and still cum second
Why are South African men better lovers than kiwis?
Because they can stay on top for 79 minutes, and still cum second
Kobus Brümmer
__________________
"On résiste à l'invasion des armées; on ne résiste pas à l'invasion des idées" - Victor Hugo
__________________
"On résiste à l'invasion des armées; on ne résiste pas à l'invasion des idées" - Victor Hugo
-
NotHisRealName
- Post Master General
- Posts: 2527
- Joined: 26 Oct 2002 03:43
- Location: Brisbane, Australia
- Contact:
That's too true.kaos wrote:DISCLAIMER: This joke will only be funny to those that watches rugby, particularly aimed at the kiwis on the forum...
Why are South African men better lovers than kiwis?
Because they can stay on top for 79 minutes, and still cum second
(All Blacks to win the Tri Nations!)
A guy's in the bar when an alien from outer space walks
through the door and sits next to him.
The drunk thinks nothing of it, trying to maintain good inter-
galactic peace, and all.
The alien orders himself a drink. When he's halfway through
with the drink, he licks his green finger, and then sticks the
finger in the drunk's ear.
The drunk's irritated, but again, in the interest of seeing there's
no interstellar war, he says nothing.
The alien pulls his finger out, finishes his drink, and then
orders another one. Once he reaches the half-way point in
that drink, he again licks his finger, then puts that finger into
the drunk's ear.
"Hey, Buddy, how 'bout let's lay off the ear pokin', what do you
say?"
Well, as you know, halfway through the alien's third drink, the
alien licks and sticks once again. The drunk has forgotten his
peaceful ways and says, as forcibly as he can, "Look,
asshole, if you do that again, I'm gonna rip your balls off!"
The alien orders one more drink. Stirs it for awhile . . . and,
you guessed it, licks that green finger and again sticks it right
in the drunk's ear.
"Goddammit!!!" the drunk roars, and reaches between the
alien's legs to carry out his threat. But there's "nothing there".
The drunk's a little confused. "Man, if you've got no balls,
then how do you screw?"
The alien licks his finger and sticks it in the drunk's ear.
through the door and sits next to him.
The drunk thinks nothing of it, trying to maintain good inter-
galactic peace, and all.
The alien orders himself a drink. When he's halfway through
with the drink, he licks his green finger, and then sticks the
finger in the drunk's ear.
The drunk's irritated, but again, in the interest of seeing there's
no interstellar war, he says nothing.
The alien pulls his finger out, finishes his drink, and then
orders another one. Once he reaches the half-way point in
that drink, he again licks his finger, then puts that finger into
the drunk's ear.
"Hey, Buddy, how 'bout let's lay off the ear pokin', what do you
say?"
Well, as you know, halfway through the alien's third drink, the
alien licks and sticks once again. The drunk has forgotten his
peaceful ways and says, as forcibly as he can, "Look,
asshole, if you do that again, I'm gonna rip your balls off!"
The alien orders one more drink. Stirs it for awhile . . . and,
you guessed it, licks that green finger and again sticks it right
in the drunk's ear.
"Goddammit!!!" the drunk roars, and reaches between the
alien's legs to carry out his threat. But there's "nothing there".
The drunk's a little confused. "Man, if you've got no balls,
then how do you screw?"
The alien licks his finger and sticks it in the drunk's ear.
Kobus Brümmer
__________________
"On résiste à l'invasion des armées; on ne résiste pas à l'invasion des idées" - Victor Hugo
__________________
"On résiste à l'invasion des armées; on ne résiste pas à l'invasion des idées" - Victor Hugo
-
NotHisRealName
- Post Master General
- Posts: 2527
- Joined: 26 Oct 2002 03:43
- Location: Brisbane, Australia
- Contact:
Laughed out loud at that one! 
DOUGLAS THE CRAB
Douglas the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Douglas in tears.
"We can't see each other any more..." she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Douglas.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of rustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."
Douglas was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.
That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable. Suddenly the doors burst open, and Douglas the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Douglas the crab made his way across the floor.......and all could see that he was walking, not sideways............but FORWARDS.........Yes FORWARDS, one claw after another!! Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he looked the King lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush..................................
For quite a while...........................
Finally, the crab spoke.......
"Fuck, I'm pissed."
DOUGLAS THE CRAB
Douglas the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Douglas in tears.
"We can't see each other any more..." she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Douglas.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of rustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."
Douglas was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.
That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable. Suddenly the doors burst open, and Douglas the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Douglas the crab made his way across the floor.......and all could see that he was walking, not sideways............but FORWARDS.........Yes FORWARDS, one claw after another!! Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he looked the King lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush..................................
For quite a while...........................
Finally, the crab spoke.......
"Fuck, I'm pissed."
-
bigdirtyfoot
- Sloppy
- Posts: 3142
- Joined: 22 Apr 2002 12:30
- Location: NC
While walking down the street one day, George "Dubya" Bush is shot by a disgruntled NRA member. His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem: We seldom see a Republican around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer,' says Dubya.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in hell and one day in heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in heaven."
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it his dad and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years: Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Jerry Falwell. The whole of the "Right" is here, everyone laughing, happy; casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants." They play a friendly game of golf, then dine on lobster and caviar. The devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink and says, "Have a Margarita and relax, Dubya!"
"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Junior, dejectedly.
"This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from here!" says the devil. Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the devil, who is a very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor; he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special!
Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive.
"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"
The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in hell with my friends."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to hell. The doors of the elevator open, and he finds himself in the middle of barren, scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste...kind of like Houston. He is horrified to see all of his friends dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar and drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."
----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- -----
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher (whose hand had been caught in a gate while working cattle), the doctor and the old man struck up a conversation about George W. Bush being in the White House. The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle'." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle." The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just want to help the dumb bastard get down."
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem: We seldom see a Republican around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer,' says Dubya.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in hell and one day in heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in heaven."
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it his dad and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years: Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Jerry Falwell. The whole of the "Right" is here, everyone laughing, happy; casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants." They play a friendly game of golf, then dine on lobster and caviar. The devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink and says, "Have a Margarita and relax, Dubya!"
"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Junior, dejectedly.
"This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from here!" says the devil. Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the devil, who is a very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor; he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special!
Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive.
"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"
The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in hell with my friends."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to hell. The doors of the elevator open, and he finds himself in the middle of barren, scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste...kind of like Houston. He is horrified to see all of his friends dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar and drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."
----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- -----
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher (whose hand had been caught in a gate while working cattle), the doctor and the old man struck up a conversation about George W. Bush being in the White House. The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle'." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle." The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just want to help the dumb bastard get down."