Oh my. For some reason stupid jokes like that crack me up.Newf wrote:Bad jokes, huh?
What's orange and invisible?
No carrots.
Joke of the Day
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Guest
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innersmile
- Multidex Master
- Posts: 314
- Joined: 08 Jul 2004 04:22
what's green and spongey?
a green sponge
a fly without wings?
figure it out, i'm not posting the answer in fear of public stoning
what do you call a deer with no eyes
No eye deer
a deer with no eyes or legs?
still no idea
a deer with no eyes, legs and bleeding?
still no bloody eyed deer
a deer with no eyes, legs, bleeding and no dick?
still no bloody fucking eye'd deer
k, ill stop...
a green sponge
a fly without wings?
figure it out, i'm not posting the answer in fear of public stoning
what do you call a deer with no eyes
No eye deer
a deer with no eyes or legs?
still no idea
a deer with no eyes, legs and bleeding?
still no bloody eyed deer
a deer with no eyes, legs, bleeding and no dick?
still no bloody fucking eye'd deer
k, ill stop...
Greg
Have love; will travel
Have love; will travel
A man and his wife in court getting a divorce.
The problem was who should get custody of the child.
The wife jumped up and said: 'You're Honor. I brought the child into the
world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody.
The judge turns to the husband and says ' What do you have to say in
your defence?
The man sat for a while contemplating. then slowly rose.
'You're Honor. If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes
out... Whose Pepsi is it... the machines or mine?
The problem was who should get custody of the child.
The wife jumped up and said: 'You're Honor. I brought the child into the
world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody.
The judge turns to the husband and says ' What do you have to say in
your defence?
The man sat for a while contemplating. then slowly rose.
'You're Honor. If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes
out... Whose Pepsi is it... the machines or mine?
Kobus Brümmer
__________________
"On résiste à l'invasion des armées; on ne résiste pas à l'invasion des idées" - Victor Hugo
__________________
"On résiste à l'invasion des armées; on ne résiste pas à l'invasion des idées" - Victor Hugo
A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast.
He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a
couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger
Constable.
The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news."
"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels,
what's the bad news?"
The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit
of a turn.
After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good
news was.
The sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around her
swimsuit, so we've brought you your share."
And he handed the bloke a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or
five crabs in it. "Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody beautiful...
I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?"
"Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bill here get off duty at around
11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!...
you fancy comin' with us?"
He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a
couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger
Constable.
The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news."
"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels,
what's the bad news?"
The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit
of a turn.
After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good
news was.
The sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around her
swimsuit, so we've brought you your share."
And he handed the bloke a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or
five crabs in it. "Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody beautiful...
I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?"
"Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bill here get off duty at around
11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!...
you fancy comin' with us?"
Kobus Brümmer
__________________
"On résiste à l'invasion des armées; on ne résiste pas à l'invasion des idées" - Victor Hugo
__________________
"On résiste à l'invasion des armées; on ne résiste pas à l'invasion des idées" - Victor Hugo
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innersmile
- Multidex Master
- Posts: 314
- Joined: 08 Jul 2004 04:22
A man walks into a bar with carrots in his ears. The bartender looks at him and says," hey man, why do you have carrots in your ears?"
The main takes one of the carrots out of his ear and says, " sorry, I didn't hear you... I've got carrots in my ears"
____________________________________________
A man walks into a bar
OUCH!
______________________________________________________
Confucious says: go to bed with itchy bum, wake up with smelly fingers
The main takes one of the carrots out of his ear and says, " sorry, I didn't hear you... I've got carrots in my ears"
____________________________________________
A man walks into a bar
OUCH!
______________________________________________________
Confucious says: go to bed with itchy bum, wake up with smelly fingers
Greg
Have love; will travel
Have love; will travel
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher
picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with
your gun, how many would be left?"
None", replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are
thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three
women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second
biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But
I like the way you're thinking!"
picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with
your gun, how many would be left?"
None", replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are
thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three
women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second
biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But
I like the way you're thinking!"
Kobus Brümmer
__________________
"On résiste à l'invasion des armées; on ne résiste pas à l'invasion des idées" - Victor Hugo
__________________
"On résiste à l'invasion des armées; on ne résiste pas à l'invasion des idées" - Victor Hugo
this may have already been told
what do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
pregnant.
pregnant.
~Jared Wilbur~
Women are like a fine wine... they get better with age.
[life is]"A cycle of hollow joy and vicious self-hatred."
Neon Genesis Evangelion: The End of Evangelion
Women are like a fine wine... they get better with age.
[life is]"A cycle of hollow joy and vicious self-hatred."
Neon Genesis Evangelion: The End of Evangelion
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carl winslow
- Atomsmashasaurus Dex
- Posts: 994
- Joined: 14 Jun 2003 21:54
lol
here are some sexist jokes (i am not sexist, just so you know. i just find them a *tad* humurous)
why shouldnt women have drivers licenses?
there is no road going from the kitchen to the bedroom.
why did the woman cross the road?
who cares why isnt she in the kitchen
here are some sexist jokes (i am not sexist, just so you know. i just find them a *tad* humurous)
why shouldnt women have drivers licenses?
there is no road going from the kitchen to the bedroom.
why did the woman cross the road?
who cares why isnt she in the kitchen
JSACK wrote:alright well me and obara'bars, shredded our dicks off, since we are both in high school, obviously there is some sort of talent show
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brian relly
- fan-tas-tic
- Posts: 2711
- Joined: 31 Aug 2003 10:03
- Location: 303
Since the C.I.A. and F.B.I. are reluctant to torture suspected terrorists (unless they are very high-value suspects who might know where Osama is, in which case we subject them to near drowning), we’ve traditionally farmed out our torture to friendly governments. In other words, we hand over a suspect to police in the Philippines, Indonesia or, especially, Egypt, and they get the guy to talk. Egypt has been especially reliable in this regard.
An Egyptian friend sent me this joke to explain why:
The Egyptian Police, the FBI, and the CIA are each trying to prove they are the best at apprehending criminals..... So President Mubarak decided to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and asked them to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, the CIA concluded that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, the FBI burns the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit.
The Egyptian Police goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit."
An Egyptian friend sent me this joke to explain why:
The Egyptian Police, the FBI, and the CIA are each trying to prove they are the best at apprehending criminals..... So President Mubarak decided to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and asked them to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, the CIA concluded that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, the FBI burns the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit.
The Egyptian Police goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit."
esteban barnez
myspace.com/rawcakes
myspace.com/rawcakes
david wrote:I was just sitting here surfing and my mom looks over my shoulder. I had to jab down the down key real quick so she wouldn't see that topic title and question me about what kind of site I was going on.
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Whatsfootbag?
- Atomsmashasaurus Dex
- Posts: 939
- Joined: 29 Sep 2003 16:50
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brian relly
- fan-tas-tic
- Posts: 2711
- Joined: 31 Aug 2003 10:03
- Location: 303
Presenting: The Sad Life of a Dick
It ain't easy being a dick.
I got a head I can't think with.
An eye I can't see out of.
I have to hang around with two nuts all the time.
My closet neighbor is a real asshole.
My best friend is a pussy.
And every time I get excited I throw up!
Worst of all, my owner beats me!
===============================================
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''
''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.
''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''
''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''
''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''
''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''
''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.
''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''
''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.''
''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.''
''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
''Yes,'' the photographer said.
''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''
''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.''
''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!''
It ain't easy being a dick.
I got a head I can't think with.
An eye I can't see out of.
I have to hang around with two nuts all the time.
My closet neighbor is a real asshole.
My best friend is a pussy.
And every time I get excited I throw up!
Worst of all, my owner beats me!
===============================================
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''
''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.
''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''
''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''
''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''
''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''
''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.
''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''
''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.''
''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.''
''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
''Yes,'' the photographer said.
''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''
''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.''
''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!''
esteban barnez
myspace.com/rawcakes
myspace.com/rawcakes
david wrote:I was just sitting here surfing and my mom looks over my shoulder. I had to jab down the down key real quick so she wouldn't see that topic title and question me about what kind of site I was going on.
i also found this on ebaumsworld and thought it was great
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.
Pat Mcgurran
The Ministry of Silly Walks
The Ministry of Silly Walks
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brian relly
- fan-tas-tic
- Posts: 2711
- Joined: 31 Aug 2003 10:03
- Location: 303
What's the only part of a vegetable you can't eat?
...The Wheelchair.
...The Wheelchair.
esteban barnez
myspace.com/rawcakes
myspace.com/rawcakes
david wrote:I was just sitting here surfing and my mom looks over my shoulder. I had to jab down the down key real quick so she wouldn't see that topic title and question me about what kind of site I was going on.