Joke of the Day

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shaggster
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Post by shaggster »

there is a man named john, he works in a hospital.

John is eating lunch and a young lady named sally comes and sits next to him.

Sally says, "My mother just passed away"

John replies, "i'm sorry to hear, but i am going home now"

Sally says, "Oh, can i come to?" John agrees

When they are at his house John goes and watches t.v., Sally says "can i watch tv too?" john agrees.

John then says, "I'm going to take a shower now" Sally says, "Can i come too?"

John agrees, when they are in the shower john says, "You have to agree not to look down" Sally agrees

Sally looks down on accident and says, "Oh my, who is that?"

John says that is my friend Willy, but i am getting out now"

Sally follows, john then says, "I am going to sleep now" Sally asks if she can sleep too. John agrees.

The next morning john awakes and notices he is bleeding, and asks what happened, Sally replies, "Willy spit in my eye so i bit his head off!!!"
Dick Butkis
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Tsiangkun
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Post by Tsiangkun »

Q: What's the difference between a U.F.O. and Bush's plan to get out of Iraq?




















































































































































A: There are people who have actually seen a U.F.O.
hacksterbator
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Post by hacksterbator »

how many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?














2, but the better question is "How did they get in there???"
A.G.
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Tsiangkun
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Post by Tsiangkun »

a variation . . .

What's the difference between Vietnam and Iraq????





























Bush and Cheney had a plan to get out of Vietnam.
LittleBoy footbag
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Post by LittleBoy footbag »

yes I AM a sick bastard...keep it coming older guys....



A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."

Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!







I love comedy central
hacksterbator
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Post by hacksterbator »

what did the leper say to the prostitute?


















keep the tip.
A.G.
LittleBoy footbag
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Post by LittleBoy footbag »

speaking of tips, for those who have lots of Jewish friends....


What's the difference between a rabbi and a mohel?


The Rabbi gets the compliments and the mohel gets the tips.
B_Man
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Post by B_Man »

Why do women like shopping malls and circumcised men?









*drum rolls*









They both offer atleast 10% off.
- Byrin Wylie

ShrEdmonton
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Tsiangkun
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Post by Tsiangkun »

A man was walking down the street when he was approached by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for
dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you
this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just
to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man
asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of
food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going
to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I
probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like
who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex.
hacksterbator
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Post by hacksterbator »

zing!!!
A.G.
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Tsiangkun
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Post by Tsiangkun »

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on
her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa
bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked
the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop
said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The
young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did
Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl
looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath
the horse, not on top."
LittleBoy footbag
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Post by LittleBoy footbag »

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his
grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in
bed." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and
went out to play.

Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's
Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed." Again
the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went
out to play.

Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked
his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied
"they're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh
and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you
they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on
here?"

The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my
bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."




yes. I AM a sick douche........hehehehehehehehe...... *cue evil laughter*
MegaFighter_X
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Post by MegaFighter_X »

those last two were good.
John D
LittleBoy footbag
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Post by LittleBoy footbag »

here's one that's just stupid out loud


Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we
were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in
the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a
lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when
they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet
is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose
right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw
that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

















and another one that's pretty good:

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana
watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by
carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy,
whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with
chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old
man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with
about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise
and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in
his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with
duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the
old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll
of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by
carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the
end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow.

Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."






sorry for anyone offended by the jokes....remember: it's supposed to be funny and if it's not, my fault and I'll edit it
B_Man
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Post by B_Man »

The first one was really good!

This guy and woman are having sex when the women's husband comes home. Knowing what would happen if they were to get caught, he jumps out the window with nothing but a condom on despite the fact that it's raining. Not knowing what to do and seeing a marathon taking place nearby, he joins in.

"Do you always run in the nude?" A fellow runner asks him.
"Yeah, it's so exhilerating!" he answers.
"Do you always were a condom when you do?"
"No, just when it's raining."
- Byrin Wylie

ShrEdmonton
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lightningbolt
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Post by lightningbolt »

Yeah so my friend told me this one. I think it was in some magazine that she got or something.


A professor was ending class and started talking about the next day's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up, barring a dire medical condition. One smart-aleck student asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter stopped, the professor glared at the student and said, "Not an excuse- you can use your other hand to write with."


Annnd my friend sent me these the other day:

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I
guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do
that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose
anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a
sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem
and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a
urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer,
he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer
started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which
was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to
wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a
try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his
dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off,
he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug
store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited
the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out
the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water
softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is
using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is
pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And
if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get
better.

Last one

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out
of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age.
You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't
talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off
another question, "Mommy, Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded,
"Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't
want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a
friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about
her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you
have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license.
It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you
everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again.
The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old
you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you
know that?"

The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how
much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy
got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
I think I going to take over Canada. You should help.
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LittleBoy footbag
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Post by LittleBoy footbag »

those were really funny jokes....i'm gonna tell those ones!
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Tsiangkun
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Post by Tsiangkun »

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junkyardjew
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Post by junkyardjew »

A woman goes to the hospital to get a boil on her ass lanced. She walks into an office and a man in a white coat asks her what the problem is. she's rather embarrassed to show him, but eventually she drops her pants and shows him her ass. he ponders the boil for a while, then sends her down the hall to another room.

In that room, another man in a white coat asks her what the problem is. She is still shy, but eventually manages to get the courage to show him her bum, and he examines it, pokes and prods a little, then hums and haws and sends her down the hall again.

By this time she's a little frustrated, but getting used to dropping her pants, so she does to the next man, and after a couple of minutes she says "doctor, what's the problem? why can nobody seem to help me with this?"

and the man replies, "I'm sorry, I'm not a doctor, this whole floor is closed for painting right now".
Jared MacKay
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lightningbolt
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Post by lightningbolt »

It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can
be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled
streets of Anchorage for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a
business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a
quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had
written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from
memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed
instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed
away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her
e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing
scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note
on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here.



Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad
says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is
the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call
you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class.
Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about
this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has
said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and
runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees
his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to
bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I
think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are
being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
I think I going to take over Canada. You should help.
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