oh man this me me rofl.......and lol as well as lmao...partly becaise it WAS lmao funny.
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."
Joke of the Day
-
LittleBoy footbag
- Official Streaker
- Posts: 1013
- Joined: 16 Nov 2004 18:04
- Location: Kendall Park, NJ
-
lightningbolt
- Nothing Vulgar
- Posts: 983
- Joined: 28 Jun 2004 12:55
- Location: Alaska
1. Men are like Laxatives They irritate the shit out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...... Commercials You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like Government Bonds They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
2. Men are like Bananas The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...... Commercials You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like Government Bonds They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
I think I going to take over Canada. You should help.
Get Firefox!
Get Firefox!
This guy is walking down the road in Belfast, when suddenly he is grabbed from behind and pulled into an alley.
He feels a gun against his head, and his assaillant says: "Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
Knowing that either answer could mean his death, he says: "Neither, I am Jew"
His attacker replies: "I must be the luckiest damn Arab in all of Belfast!"
He feels a gun against his head, and his assaillant says: "Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
Knowing that either answer could mean his death, he says: "Neither, I am Jew"
His attacker replies: "I must be the luckiest damn Arab in all of Belfast!"
Kobus Brümmer
__________________
"On résiste à l'invasion des armées; on ne résiste pas à l'invasion des idées" - Victor Hugo
__________________
"On résiste à l'invasion des armées; on ne résiste pas à l'invasion des idées" - Victor Hugo
-
Sporatical_Distractions
- registered sacks offender
- Posts: 4529
- Joined: 12 Oct 2004 19:14
- Location: Guy's American Kitchen & Bar
A doctor is taking care of a patient when his supervisor walks in and says
"i hear that you've been sleeping with your patients!"
the doctor says," i don't see what the big deal is. all doctors sleep with their patients!"
then the supervisor says," yeah, but you're a veterinarian!"
"i hear that you've been sleeping with your patients!"
the doctor says," i don't see what the big deal is. all doctors sleep with their patients!"
then the supervisor says," yeah, but you're a veterinarian!"
Welcome to Flavortown
Kevin Crowley
Kevin Crowley
1. woMen are like Laxatives They irritate the shit out of you.
2. woMen are like Bananas The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. woMen are like Weather Nothing can be done to change them.
4. woMen are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. woMen are like Chocolate Bars Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. woMen are like ...... Commercials You can't believe a word they say.
7. woMen are like Department Stores Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. woMen are like Government Bonds They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. woMen are like Mascara They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. woMen are like Popcorn They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. woMen are like Snowstorms You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. woMen are like Lava Lamps Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. woMen are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
2. woMen are like Bananas The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. woMen are like Weather Nothing can be done to change them.
4. woMen are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. woMen are like Chocolate Bars Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. woMen are like ...... Commercials You can't believe a word they say.
7. woMen are like Department Stores Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. woMen are like Government Bonds They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. woMen are like Mascara They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. woMen are like Popcorn They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. woMen are like Snowstorms You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. woMen are like Lava Lamps Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. woMen are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
JSACK wrote:alright well me and obara'bars, shredded our dicks off, since we are both in high school, obviously there is some sort of talent show
So this guys tell this joke about men and replaces every instance of man with woMan. It was pretty funny until this one point where he says
at which point one person notices this doesn't really apply at all to women.
The comic keeps at it insisting he was right . . . oh forget it, you had to be there, it was funny.
,woMen are like Snowstorms You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
at which point one person notices this doesn't really apply at all to women.
The comic keeps at it insisting he was right . . . oh forget it, you had to be there, it was funny.
now here are some jokes to ACTUALLY get back at the ladies
Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares? Why isnt she in the kitchen!
Why shouldnt women have drivers licenses?
Theres no road between the kitchen and the bedroom.
Disclaimer:
These are not my beliefs
Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares? Why isnt she in the kitchen!
Why shouldnt women have drivers licenses?
Theres no road between the kitchen and the bedroom.
Disclaimer:
These are not my beliefs
JSACK wrote:alright well me and obara'bars, shredded our dicks off, since we are both in high school, obviously there is some sort of talent show
-
slapdash21
- Futureless
- Posts: 4681
- Joined: 29 Sep 2004 14:50
- Location: Beantown, kidd
yeah, that DOES sound funny. it would be even funnier if that wasnt the only part that didnt apply to women...oh wait!!Tsiangkun wrote:So this guys tell this joke about men and replaces every instance of man with woMan. It was pretty funny until this one point where he says,woMen are like Snowstorms You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
at which point one person notices this doesn't really apply at all to women.
The comic keeps at it insisting he was right . . . oh forget it, you had to be there, it was funny.
Pete Bowler
B$C
keeps it offah da ground.
617 FOR LIFE
B$C
keeps it offah da ground.
617 FOR LIFE
ZEN FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY
1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.
2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT.
3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.
4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN'T FAMILIAR
TERRITORY.
5. 42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.
6. 99 PERCENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.
7. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.
8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.
9. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST.
11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.
12. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE
GETS THE CHEESE.
13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.
14. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE
HAVE.
15. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.
16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.
17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.
18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!
19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.
20. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!
21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF
PAYMENTS.
22. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS? RAISE MY
HAND.
23 . OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?
24. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?
25. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE
OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.
26. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG
LANE.
27. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF
NOW.
28. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT
HAVE FILM.
29. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER
FRIENDS?
30. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?
31. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET
ENGINES.
32. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?
33. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING
OUT.
34. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN
LOUDER.
35. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?
36. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING
WHAT HAPPENED.
1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.
2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT.
3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.
4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN'T FAMILIAR
TERRITORY.
5. 42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.
6. 99 PERCENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.
7. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.
8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.
9. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST.
11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.
12. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE
GETS THE CHEESE.
13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.
14. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE
HAVE.
15. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.
16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.
17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.
18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!
19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.
20. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!
21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF
PAYMENTS.
22. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS? RAISE MY
HAND.
23 . OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?
24. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?
25. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE
OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.
26. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG
LANE.
27. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF
NOW.
28. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT
HAVE FILM.
29. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER
FRIENDS?
30. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?
31. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET
ENGINES.
32. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?
33. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING
OUT.
34. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN
LOUDER.
35. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?
36. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING
WHAT HAPPENED.
Old Skool
-
lightningbolt
- Nothing Vulgar
- Posts: 983
- Joined: 28 Jun 2004 12:55
- Location: Alaska
The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered
an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired
straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every
inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the
general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of
points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the
pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of
his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the
tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked
out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where
to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my
penis to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested
that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider,
pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had
received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that
would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to
do the measuring.
The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the
pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of
the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said.
"Where are your testicles?" The general replied, "In Vietnam."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Wash with holy water Mark as unread
Four nuns died simultaneously in a car crash and arrived at the
pearly gates. St. Peter asked the first nun, "Have you ever
touched a penis?" "Yes, father," she replied, "I once touched a
man's penis with the very tip of my finger." "Swish that
offending finger in holy water," St. Peter instructed, "say a
prayer begging forgiveness, and cross over into the promised
land."
The second nun said, "Yes, father, I once touched a man's penis
with my whole hand." St. Peter instructed this second offending
girl to douse her entire hand in the holy water, say two prayers
begging mercy, and proceed to heaven.
As nun #3 approached, nun #4 shoved her aside, "Father," she
shouted, "if you expect me to gargle with that crap AFTER she
dunks her ass in there, you've got another thing coming!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BUMPER STICKERS!
If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.
If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive better!
Don't be sexist, broads hate that.
Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!
Constipated people don't give a shit.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
My kid got your honour roll student pregnant.
To all you virgins... Thanks for nothing.
If you can read this... I lost my trailer.
Your just jealous cause the voices are only talking to me.
I have the body of a God.... Buddha.
So manny pedestrians...so little time.
Eat right, exercise, die anyway!
Illiterate...Write for help.
Cover me... I'm changing lanes.
Boldly going nowhere.
Body by Nautilus, brain by Mattel.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you are doing it wrong.
Honk if anything falls off.
If we quit voting, will they all go away.
Heart attacks... God's revenge for eating his animal friends.
an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired
straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every
inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the
general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of
points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the
pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of
his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the
tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked
out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where
to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my
penis to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested
that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider,
pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had
received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that
would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to
do the measuring.
The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the
pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of
the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said.
"Where are your testicles?" The general replied, "In Vietnam."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Wash with holy water Mark as unread
Four nuns died simultaneously in a car crash and arrived at the
pearly gates. St. Peter asked the first nun, "Have you ever
touched a penis?" "Yes, father," she replied, "I once touched a
man's penis with the very tip of my finger." "Swish that
offending finger in holy water," St. Peter instructed, "say a
prayer begging forgiveness, and cross over into the promised
land."
The second nun said, "Yes, father, I once touched a man's penis
with my whole hand." St. Peter instructed this second offending
girl to douse her entire hand in the holy water, say two prayers
begging mercy, and proceed to heaven.
As nun #3 approached, nun #4 shoved her aside, "Father," she
shouted, "if you expect me to gargle with that crap AFTER she
dunks her ass in there, you've got another thing coming!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BUMPER STICKERS!
If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.
If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive better!
Don't be sexist, broads hate that.
Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!
Constipated people don't give a shit.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
My kid got your honour roll student pregnant.
To all you virgins... Thanks for nothing.
If you can read this... I lost my trailer.
Your just jealous cause the voices are only talking to me.
I have the body of a God.... Buddha.
So manny pedestrians...so little time.
Eat right, exercise, die anyway!
Illiterate...Write for help.
Cover me... I'm changing lanes.
Boldly going nowhere.
Body by Nautilus, brain by Mattel.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you are doing it wrong.
Honk if anything falls off.
If we quit voting, will they all go away.
Heart attacks... God's revenge for eating his animal friends.
I think I going to take over Canada. You should help.
Get Firefox!
Get Firefox!
-
bigdirtyfoot
- Sloppy
- Posts: 3142
- Joined: 22 Apr 2002 12:30
- Location: NC
Just bringin' it back...
A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under the roof department store" looking for a job.
The manager says " Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says " Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Missouri."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow, Il come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down, "How many sales did
you make today?" The kid says "one."
The boss says, "Just one?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a
day! How much was the sale for?"
The kid says " $101,237.64"
The boss says, "$101,23764? WHAT IN THE HECK DID YOU SELL?"
Kid says, " First I sold him a small fish hook, then I sold him a
medium fish hook, then I sold him a larger fish hook, then I sold him a
new fishing rod, then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said
down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went
down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris
Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Expedition."
The boss said, " A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
a BOAT AND A TRUCK??"
The kid says, " No, he came in here to buy his wife a box of tampons,
and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.."
"everything under the roof department store" looking for a job.
The manager says " Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says " Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Missouri."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow, Il come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down, "How many sales did
you make today?" The kid says "one."
The boss says, "Just one?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a
day! How much was the sale for?"
The kid says " $101,237.64"
The boss says, "$101,23764? WHAT IN THE HECK DID YOU SELL?"
Kid says, " First I sold him a small fish hook, then I sold him a
medium fish hook, then I sold him a larger fish hook, then I sold him a
new fishing rod, then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said
down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went
down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris
Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Expedition."
The boss said, " A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
a BOAT AND A TRUCK??"
The kid says, " No, he came in here to buy his wife a box of tampons,
and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.."
-
bigdirtyfoot
- Sloppy
- Posts: 3142
- Joined: 22 Apr 2002 12:30
- Location: NC
One day, a teacher had a taste test with her students.
She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey Kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't", said the boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yells...
"Spit it out! It's a piece of a$$!"
She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey Kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't", said the boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yells...
"Spit it out! It's a piece of a$$!"
These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometers, take lots of water...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes...?
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: ...and what did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow.
Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-me-ri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometers, take lots of water...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes...?
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: ...and what did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow.
Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-me-ri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Kobus Brümmer
__________________
"On résiste à l'invasion des armées; on ne résiste pas à l'invasion des idées" - Victor Hugo
__________________
"On résiste à l'invasion des armées; on ne résiste pas à l'invasion des idées" - Victor Hugo
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NotHisRealName
- Post Master General
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- Joined: 26 Oct 2002 03:43
- Location: Brisbane, Australia
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