Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When the director said he can't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris,"
and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "BOOYA".
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.
Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.
When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.
It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.
Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before they could tell him there was a stripper in it
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in Total Recall.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win?
Chuck Norris
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.
In one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following
symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks
Chuck Norris was once asked to recommend a club to which he replied 'I am a club' and everyone partied on him... Until he roundhouse kicked them all because someone spilt his beer.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
If you shaved off Chuck Norris' beard, you would find a tatoo of an identical beard underneath.
Chuck Norris once made love to a lesbian gorilla.
Chuck Norris has a secret room of Barbie's which can only be unlocked through a spell that is found in "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire".
The sweat from Chuck Norris' testicles is considered a delicacy in certain regions of Guatemala.
Chuck Norris can live without sex for 10 minutes.
Chuck Norris did start the fire.
Every Friday, Chuck Norris stands menacingly on the shores of southern Texas and gazes stoicly into the ocean, whilst masturbating. This is why Hurricane Rita turned east.
Every time Chuck Norris does a roundhouse kick, an angel gets its wings.
Chuck Norris defeated the Canadian Army with a rusty wooden spoon.
Chuck Norris can ejaculate through solid steel.
Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world.
Chuck Norris beat up MacGyver using only a paper clip, a rubber band, and a pinecone.
One drop of Chuck Norris sweat can cure you of anything, even death.
The letters in Chuck Norris name can be rearranged to spell doom in twelve different languages, including Esperanto, but not French.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are
Chuck Norriss heart beats once every full moon.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris enemies just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris once fought off 42 ninjas blindfolded, while having sex with 3 women.
Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris house is a Total Gym.
Ecstasy is actually made by extracting the special seratonin mixture found only the skull of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the earth, thus creating the hole in the ozone layer.
Chuck Norris can divide by Zero
Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he wont trade any of them for anything.
The milkshake doesnt bring Chuck Norris to the yard.
The Pope once accused Chuck Norris of heresy, but as it turns out, Chuck Norris is, in fact, the true Son of God.
Chuck Norris penis is considered a weapon of mass destruction.
Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the Special Olympics.
CNN was originally the Chuck Norris Network but was later changed to a news station because the awesomeness of a Chuck Norris network kept blowing up satellites, TVs, and viewers eyeballs.
The evolution theory states that everything evolved from one living being. Chuck Norris is that living being.
Chuck Norris is where babies come from.
Chuck Norris has been in every porn video since 1985.
One day Chuck Norris was in fact killed when he round house kicked someone in the face so hard that it shattered the universe. But in heaven, Chuck challenged God to an arm wrestling match. Chuck won, and the universe was reformed.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green ..4 card from the game UNO.
Chuck Norris is the reason Jesus died.
Had the priests in The Exorcist just said, The power of Chuck Norris compels you instead of The power of Christ compels you, the movie would only have been about 30 seconds long.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, dont be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris once had sex with a polar bear, with his orgasm he created the third ice-age, which is also known as the second coming of the robotic Vin Diesel.
Rumor has it that the semen from Chuck Norris six-foot wang can cure leukemia, especially in small children.
Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked him which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a Total Gym.
Chuck Norris once boned the Mona Lisa, which is why she smiles.
The first rule of Chuck Norris is you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
One time while sparring with wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.
Chuck Norris has never given anyone the finger. However, it is believed that the event could flatten landscape within a 30-mile radius.
Few people know that President Jimmy Carter appointed Chuck Norris as Secretary of Awesome in 1978. This cabinet level position was later rescinded in 1981 after Norris refused to give up his title.
As well as being an actor, martial artist, and poet, Chuck Norris is also a world-renowned physicist. It was in this capacity that he once had a disagreement about steady-state theory with Stephen Hawking. Hence the Wheelchair.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
Chuck Norris had his own version of Punk'd. Only in his version, he would walk around and roundhouse kick people in the throats.
At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.
Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.
Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.
Chuck Norris sees in Camouflage.
Chuck Norris killed the Dead Sea
Chuck Norris wrote the Bible, then gave it to God as a birthday present
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." No one has ever beat him, not even Blanca.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
The Truth About Chuck Norris
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wolfpac444
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The Truth About Chuck Norris
Mike Hansen
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yeah i just talked to mike and we thought of some more
Whats the chief import of chuck norris' enemies? Answer:Pain
What do the things on the extinct list and Chuck norris' enemies have in common? Everything
How many round house kicks to the throat does it take to change a light bulb? Who cares, chuck norris will stare at the light bulb until it mans up and recharges itself.
Whats the chief import of chuck norris' enemies? Answer:Pain
What do the things on the extinct list and Chuck norris' enemies have in common? Everything
How many round house kicks to the throat does it take to change a light bulb? Who cares, chuck norris will stare at the light bulb until it mans up and recharges itself.
JSACK wrote:alright well me and obara'bars, shredded our dicks off, since we are both in high school, obviously there is some sort of talent show
Chuck Norris once ate a used tampon and later shit out Steven Segal.
I have no idea what that means
If you look up Chuck Norris in the dictionary, the dictionary roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Man, I suck at this
I have no idea what that means
If you look up Chuck Norris in the dictionary, the dictionary roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Man, I suck at this
Zeke
Funny movie titles if the movie were about poop:
Red
Fast & the Furious
The Green Mile
Children of the Corn
There Will be Blood
Funny movie titles if the movie were about poop:
Red
Fast & the Furious
The Green Mile
Children of the Corn
There Will be Blood
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Bruce Li never existed. In the 70's, the public's mind could not comprehend the concept of a caucasian martial arts expert, so the Matrix translated Chuck Norris into an asian prototype of coolness. Later, when Chuck Norris defeated the Matrix and forced the Matrix to display his true self, Bruce Li "mysteriously" died.
Sam Mayer
"Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one!" - Homer Simpson
"Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one!" - Homer Simpson
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