I also PM'ed Brad and he did an amazing job reviewing it. I deleted a few things and added quite a bit-so this doesn't do my final masterpiece justice
Short Story [please add your input]
Short Story [please add your input]
Thank you Kevin
I also PM'ed Brad and he did an amazing job reviewing it. I deleted a few things and added quite a bit-so this doesn't do my final masterpiece justice
I also PM'ed Brad and he did an amazing job reviewing it. I deleted a few things and added quite a bit-so this doesn't do my final masterpiece justice
Last edited by Guest_2 on 19 Jan 2006 13:04, edited 1 time in total.
I'm not going to lie to you, this was a really difficult read. You had some really wacky sentence structure going on, and one sentence in particular that I read through 7 or 8 times before coming to the conclusion that it just didn't work at all.
That said, I did enjoy the last bit of the story...it worked really well.
But here's some thoughts, just off the top of my head:
"Students filed out into the halls like monotonous ants without wills of their own."
I'm not really sure what you mean by monotonous in this sentence. Also, you already used this word earlier in the story...and if the repetition is without reason, then it's unneeded and distracting.
Moreover, "without wills of their own" is just reiteration of "ants." You don't really need it there when it's been implied. That's what ants do.
I suppose you could even metaphor it up somehow by stating that the students ARE ants...'Ants filed out into the halls' or something of that nature.
Ummm...
"Max was shocked, “You don’t eat meat?” he cried in denial."
Probably just me, but denial sounds weird...we already know that he's shocked, and he's "all about meat"...you could just throw a word like "protested" in place of "cried in denial".
Andd....
Oh yeah, this crazy sentence:
"Concrete structures overpopulated with pedestrians awaiting the screeching entrance newly concocted and already tagged Light Rail."
Read that sentence to yourself out loud. Tell me what you're trying to say. It seems like you've got a bunch of large words that make up a non-sentence.
I don't know. I can't make sense of it.
And who is Sammy? The first time you make mention of him, I assumed you were going to elaborate on what happened there...and then you mentioned his name again...and then nothing else came. Is that what you had intended - for me to "not know" since "nobody cared" ?
As far as your protagonist, while you were successful in "making him do the right thing", you also make him sound really arrogant. I don't know if this is what you were going for, but all the sighs and moans and rolling of eyes point to that character trait. It wasn't just that he disapproved of Max, but rather that he thought himself better than him.
Which makes me wonder in the end if he's doing the "right" thing because it benefits everyone else...or...if he's doing the right thing because he feels some kind of need to prove to himself that he's a good person; a better person than people like Max.
Well, just a few thoughts. I didn't really give it a thorough critique, sorry...but given the number of posts thus far, I figured you'd appreciate anything.
- Kevin Regamey
That said, I did enjoy the last bit of the story...it worked really well.
But here's some thoughts, just off the top of my head:
"Students filed out into the halls like monotonous ants without wills of their own."
I'm not really sure what you mean by monotonous in this sentence. Also, you already used this word earlier in the story...and if the repetition is without reason, then it's unneeded and distracting.
Moreover, "without wills of their own" is just reiteration of "ants." You don't really need it there when it's been implied. That's what ants do.
I suppose you could even metaphor it up somehow by stating that the students ARE ants...'Ants filed out into the halls' or something of that nature.Ummm...
"Max was shocked, “You don’t eat meat?” he cried in denial."
Probably just me, but denial sounds weird...we already know that he's shocked, and he's "all about meat"...you could just throw a word like "protested" in place of "cried in denial".
Andd....
Oh yeah, this crazy sentence:
"Concrete structures overpopulated with pedestrians awaiting the screeching entrance newly concocted and already tagged Light Rail."
Read that sentence to yourself out loud. Tell me what you're trying to say. It seems like you've got a bunch of large words that make up a non-sentence.
I don't know. I can't make sense of it.
And who is Sammy? The first time you make mention of him, I assumed you were going to elaborate on what happened there...and then you mentioned his name again...and then nothing else came. Is that what you had intended - for me to "not know" since "nobody cared" ?
As far as your protagonist, while you were successful in "making him do the right thing", you also make him sound really arrogant. I don't know if this is what you were going for, but all the sighs and moans and rolling of eyes point to that character trait. It wasn't just that he disapproved of Max, but rather that he thought himself better than him.
Which makes me wonder in the end if he's doing the "right" thing because it benefits everyone else...or...if he's doing the right thing because he feels some kind of need to prove to himself that he's a good person; a better person than people like Max.
Well, just a few thoughts. I didn't really give it a thorough critique, sorry...but given the number of posts thus far, I figured you'd appreciate anything.
- Kevin Regamey
- Kevin R.
F = G*((m1*m2)/r^2)
Know thy enemy.
F = G*((m1*m2)/r^2)
Know thy enemy.