Creative writing assignment

[Guest_2]

I was trying to conclude with the notion that despite his own personal wants and needs, the protagonist continues to always do the right thing. Please tell me if this was conveyed, and if there is anything I could add.
Thanks,
Josh

Homework & Rollercoasters

As usual, the class shmuck swaggered in just as the morning bell rang and flashed the instructor an award winning grin. He threw his arms around a few cheerleaders as the class sat patiently, waiting for sociology to begin. Instead of an excruciating lecture, the class was rewarded with a lackluster assignment: go to the mall and observe people.
"Rodney and...Jessica."
Eyes roll, groans are issued with the assignment of predetermined partners. Valentine had never been bothered with immature concern with who he consorted upon monotonous school work.
"Max and…"
Which is why he surprised himself when he heard his own mutters of, "Please not-"
"-Valentine."
He sighed a very long sigh, packed up his belongings, and made the long trek while his partner continued flirtatious escapades…and continued them…
"Ahem," Valentine coughed.
The putz turned around as if searching for something in the sun. Then, as if brushing away a fog he realized, "Oh, hey partner! Take a seat." With a smile that matched his geniality, Max introduced Valentine to the girls just as the bell signaled an end to class and their conversation.
"Well partner, those girls seemed nice." Max charmed.
“Very." Valentine quipped and gathered his belongings, "So when and where are we going to do this thing?"
"Huh? How 'bout the mega mall?" Max suggested harmlessly.
"Or, we could try somewhere without terror threats," Valentine countered too quickly.
"We could, but let's make this an adventure" he pressed with a grin and turned the corner. With yet another sigh of the many to come, Valentine acquiesced and the daring duo had a date set for the mall this Friday. He shrugged off his first hour headache and made his way through the rest of the school day.
Friday’s last bell ripped Valentine's groggy mind from slumber and slapped consciousness across his face. Students filed out into the halls like monotonous ants without wills of their own. All headed to their respective cars and buses, with the exception of certain jocks and burnouts. Soon, the locker room and detention hall were locked and loaded with just Valentine left in the halls to do his self imposed duty.
Some believe he's been hired by the very school he attends, or that he dumpster dives in an attempt to hopefully steal his instructor's luxurious identities. Only one or two students know the truth, the real story: he's one of the last remaining of the Earth Club. A would be collection of earth loving, kicky sack playing, recyclable organizers, whose would-be supervising instructor either no longer works at Freshwater High, doesn't remember when the Earth Club meets, or simply doesn't care. Either way, Val made his way round the school, saving the world one tin can at a time, alone.
Valentine surveyed the empty, silent corridors that match the red and black cheerleading and football uniforms. All appeared well as he prepared to leave. He walked past the gymnasium where red and black disappeared out the doors, football practice was over and Max was sure to be leading the pack.
A slight October chill swept the hallways with the departure of muscle bound jerseys, and faint trials of cigarette smoke from detention. He turned the last stairwell after the voluntary rounds were finished, and strangely familiar thumps were issued from above. A slight moaning echoed quite timely, leaving Valentine to assume they were not of a positive incentive.
Valentine thought twice, glanced at his watch, and decided to climb the full trek, a full floor to the freshman being pounded. One of many sinister activities occurring in the East Stairwell: drug deals, gambling, and most popular-beating freshman. The pounding continued, silently. No calls for help, no protests, just like Sammy in third grade.
Flump! Spit ball number three landed mere millimeters above the little redheaded girl's nose. This time she had to have noticed, but still remained silent. Wordlessly, she sat motionless. The 'teacher', clueless as always, continued to prattle on incessantly without a care. No one stood; no one said a word; no one did the right thing. Bullets could have riddled the classroom unnoticed. Unnoticed as when Sammy no longer came to class.
The freshman was draped across the railing, inhaling sharply as if trying with oxygen to kill the pain which resonated from apparently all over. The upper classman flexed as his forearm moved in a blur for the last strike-and just about toppled over when it didn't. Football number and rank of string disappeared in an instant.
"Whuh?" the second string lineman queried intelligently.
"Time to leave," Val stated without emotion. His eyes fixed motionless on the upperclassman, cold, like the dull cement stairs and walls of their surroundings. In rebuttal, the upperclassman advanced upon Valentine. Valentine swiftly ducked below the first swing and sidestepped the next. Contest was not an issue as the upperclassman over extended himself and toppled down three stairs. About to crack his head upon the railing, a rip resounded beyond space and time and signaled a slow in the descent as Valentine snatched the upperclassman’s jersey-saving him from the near disaster he most certainly deserved.
“Now,” Val ordered. The senior’s footsteps thundered and showed no hesitation.
“I don’t need your help,” the freshman muttered in refusal as he pulled himself together, sniffling blood back into a battered nose. Above the smashed cartilage were eyes full of darkness. Val tossed the kid’s bag to him and descended the stairs wordlessly. He grumbled looking at his well worn time piece, scuffed with personality. Valentine despised tardiness, especially that of his own. Luckily, there were two trains.
Concrete structures overpopulated with pedestrians awaiting the screeching entrance newly concocted and already tagged Light Rail. From the Warehouse District in downtown Minneapolis to Bloomington’s mega mall, it was built to unite the population and provide commercial businesses easier access to the people’s money. Dry metal upon metal was only enhanced by the silence of reticent passengers never looking each other eye to eye.
The last banshee shrill concluded and Valentine stepped from the Light Rail. Instantly swept up by the crowd halfway through the entrance, he lost his bearings like a ship in the Bermuda Triangle. Valentine rolled his eyes as he sought an unfortunately familiar face-knowing that despite any of his tardiness, Max was probably still further detained.
“C’mon partner, let’s party where it’s fun.” The annoyingly familiar chime reacquainted his sense of direction.
“You have anything in mind?” Valentine politely responded, his eyes on the young brunette hanging off the football players arm.
Max began, “Discovering just what Vikki’s keeping a secret was on my mind-”
“-Camp Snoopy it is,” Valentine concluded with a forced smile. The brunette giggled at Val’s unease and Max sent her off with an overly friendly kiss. The pair set up, distributing their belongings of sociology homework and snack foods.
Cheers and innocent screams of delight echoed above and below. From the giant tree with branches twirling children in chairs to the simple ice cream stand below, fun was being had by all. Notes contained a description of the theme park, the variety of enjoyment to be had and those basking in it-protected from the harsh winds beyond the mall domain. An unusual darkness passed. Max looked behind him to witness a disheartened young man futz with his belt.
“Beef Jerky?” Max offered in between gentlemanly chomps and smacks; to which Valentine declined politely.
“C’mon, it’s good for you,” Max urged. “It’ll bulk your skinny ass up a bit.”
“I’ll stick with peanut butter and tofu,” Val answered dutifully, loyal to his superior palette. All the while he scribbled notes on the paper.
Max was shocked, “You don’t eat meat?” he cried in denial.
“I value life; nothing has to die for me to survive,” Val enlightened his partner.
“But-what if you were lost in a forest, or-” Max prattled on, listing various scenarios of risked survival and the circle of life. Meanwhile, Valentine further completed their assignment as he continued to explain the mindset of an herbivore.
An explosion racked all four floors, plaster showering everyone in a chalky golf ball sized hail. Screams merged like rush hour traffic, a horrific unintelligible muddle of chaos. Valentine despised disorder. Yin was meant for yang. Hot has its cold. This drove-heel first-everything Valentine strived for into the ground, and then hawked a lougi on it.
Flocks of humans swirled, a kaleidoscope of shopping bags and rushing feet dashed from the constricting barriers in the Mall of America. Max led the way, Valentine followed closely behind; both struggled to gain an inch per minute. The crowd clung to overpriced garments and miscellaneous items as if their souls would escape without, yet none even paused for what must be another worried shriek of a lost child.
Without delay, Valentine had already quickened in the opposite direction. Max grabbed him by the pleather coat sleeve and the coat slipped from one shoulder. Yanked like a puppy running around a tree on a leash, they were wrapped to face each other around unfeeling, polished marble by the coat. Max demanded above the scramble just where in the hell Valentine thought he was going. In between gasps, Valentine pointed to the amusement ride they had just been observing.
Max cursed and allowed himself to be dragged towards the unanswered crying. Despite smaller stature, the on rushers seemed to flow around the determined dreadlocked vegan. The boy struggled to release himself from the tormenting shackles of what was moments ago the fondest of childhood memories turned nightmare for years to come. As if within an invisible bubble, the boy cries to himself in vain while all pass without influence. Completely ignored, the trapped child clutches a fleece blanket, knuckles as pale as his panicked features.
Fluidly, as if trained for the situation, Valentine ripped the safety equipment to pieces to pick up the child-blanket and all-and toss him effortlessly to Max who caught him weightlessly in his dumbbell defined arms. The blanket fluttered to the ground out of the child’s frightened fingers and his volume intensifies. Before the blue fleece even came within a foot of the ground, it had already been snatched up by the crowd and disappeared instantaneously. Valentine looked into the child’s empty eyes full of darkness and inquired his name. Valentine couldn’t help but smile when the child included age, grade, and the name of his little league football team.
“You like sports?” Val asked. To which he received a nervous nod. “Do you see how big my friend is?” he continued. “It’s because he’s a football player.”
“Like Brett Favre?” Bobby asked innocently and Max wrinkled his nose in disgust.
“Just like him,” Val answered and coughed into the smoke. A quick summary of the game plan dipped the lost child into a fantasy that this was going to be just like running the last play of a Super Bowl, with Bobby as the ball. In the twenty-five seconds their conversation took place, the rafters had begun to melt. The sky was literally falling.
Bobby called, “Hike!” and they set off immediately. In between jukes and dives of fleeing customers and spreading flames, Max realized his partner was not following closely behind as planned. He saw Val sigh to himself as he headed in the opposite direction of sure safety. Valentine was fulfilling the insationable urge he had possessed since third grade, and followed the distant cries for help.

[Guest_2]

~I'm hoping for the best

[BainbridgeShred]

Before I start, I'll make it pain stakingly clear that I don't personally like you. You called me stupid in the smoking thread, and I resent when people insult my intelligence. Thus, it is ironic that I choose to help you now on your assignment, given the name that you applied to me. Again, I do not like you, and the only reason I am helping you is to publicly prove my superior knowledge when it comes to creative writing. When the class is quiet, I will begin.

As usual, the class shmuck swaggered in just as the morning bell rang and flashed the instructor an award winning grin. He threw his arms around a few cheerleaders as the class sat patiently, waiting for sociology to begin. Instead of an excruciating lecture, the class was rewarded with a lackluster assignment: go to the mall and observe people.
"Rodney and...Jessica."
Eyes roll, groans are issued with the assignment of predetermined partners. Valentine had never been bothered with immature concern with who he consorted upon monotonous school work.
"Max and…"
Which is why he surprised himself when he heard his own mutters of, "Please not-"
"-Valentine."

This whole block of text is really confusing. Is Max the class shmuck? If so you should say something like "Max, the class shmuck" as opposed to just "the class schmuck". Also, the text in bold isn't very clear either. I understand what message you're trying to convey, and it's a good idea, but you need to clean it up a little bit. At first I wasn't sure if it was Max or Valentine speaking.

He sighed a very long sigh, packed up his belongings, and made the long trek while his partner continued flirtatious escapades…and continued them…

Why is it a long trek? I assume the greatest distance it could be is from one end of a class to another, which doesn't strike me as much of a "trek".
And why is he packing up his belongings already? I assume it's for the end of class (As it implies by the bell ringing a few lines down), but it seems like the class just started. How long was that sigh of his? 50 minutes? You need to put something inbetween to make it known to the reader that time has passed. Otherwise you're just confusing everyone.

Friday’s last bell ripped Valentine's groggy mind from slumber and slapped consciousness across his face.

Good description and good analogy. You could use more of them.

Soon, the locker room and detention hall were locked and loaded with just Valentine left in the halls to do his self imposed duty.

Locked and loaded? How?

Some believe he's been hired by the very school he attends, or that he dumpster dives in an attempt to hopefully steal his instructor's luxurious identities. Only one or two students know the truth, the real story: he's one of the last remaining of the Earth Club. A would be collection of earth loving, kicky sack playing, recyclable organizers, whose would-be supervising instructor either no longer works at Freshwater High, doesn't remember when the Earth Club meets, or simply doesn't care. Either way, Val made his way round the school, saving the world one tin can at a time, alone.

It's better to show instead of tell in creative writing. By just telling the reader Valentine's "secret" it's like you're insulting the readers intelligence, and leaving nothing for the reader to figure out on his own. Also, you should probably have semi-colon's in the part I bolded for you instead of comma's.

Valentine surveyed the empty, silent corridors

Too many adjectives and adverbs slow down the story, and make it hard for the reader to read. Ditch "silent", because the emptiness of the hallway's implies silence anyways.

He walked past the gymnasium where red and black disappeared out the doors, football practice was over and Max was sure to be leading the pack.

Should have a period instead of a comma. And why is red and black disapearring out the doors? That's really confusing. Maybe I don't get what you're trying to say and it should be a colon or semi-colon instead of he comma rather than the period I told you to put there.

One of many sinister activities occurring in the East Stairwell: drug deals, gambling, and most popular-beating freshman.

This sentence is really odd. Fix it. I would suggest "Of the many sinister activities occuring in the East Stairwell; drug dealing; gambling; and especially, freshman beating; were most popular.

Flump! Spit ball number three landed mere millimeters above the little redheaded girl's nose. This time she had to have noticed, but still remained silent. Wordlessly, she sat motionless. The 'teacher', clueless as always, continued to prattle on incessantly without a care. No one stood; no one said a word; no one did the right thing. Bullets could have riddled the classroom unnoticed. Unnoticed as when Sammy no longer came to class.

The setting just went from Valentine in the hallway to little redheaded girl in class, back to the hallway in the next paragraph. How did you pull that one off?

The upper classman flexed as his forearm moved in a blur for the last strike-and just about toppled over when it didn't.

This is really confusing. I understand that Valentine must've grabbed his arm or something of the nature, but your plot is getting ahead of itself.

In rebuttal, the upperclassman advanced upon Valentine. Valentine swiftly ducked below the first swing and sidestepped the next.

Would be less confusing if it read "In rebuttal, the upperclassman advanced upon Valentine and through a punch. Valentine swiftly ducked the hand coming towards him, and sidestepped the next". or something of that nature.

“Now,” Val ordered. The senior’s footsteps thundered and showed no hesitation.

After thundered it should say "away". Saying someones footsteps "thundered" makes no sense.

He grumbled looking at his well worn time piece, scuffed with personality

The way this reads it make's it sound like his "time piece" is scuffed with personality. Makes no sense. Change it around.

He grumbled looking at his well worn time piece, scuffed with personality. Valentine despised tardiness, especially that of his own. Luckily, there were two trains.
Concrete structures overpopulated with pedestrians awaiting the screeching entrance newly concocted and already tagged Light Rail.

Would be a lot more clear if there was a break between these two paragraphs, to imply that the author intentionally cut out the chunk of time between the progression of Valentine.

Concrete structures overpopulated with pedestrians awaiting the screeching entrance newly concocted and already tagged Light Rail.

Dude, this sounds like free-form poetry or something.

The last banshee shrill concluded and Valentine stepped from the Light Rail.

Comma between "concluded" and "and".

Notes contained a description of the theme park, the variety of enjoyment to be had and those basking in it-protected from the harsh winds beyond the mall domain.

Probably semi-colon's instead of comma's.

Max looked behind him to witness a disheartened young man futz with his belt.

Futzing rather.

An explosion racked all four floors, plaster showering everyone in a chalky golf ball sized hail. Screams merged like rush hour traffic, a horrific unintelligible muddle of chaos. Valentine despised disorder. Yin was meant for yang. Hot has its cold. This drove-heel first-everything Valentine strived for into the ground, and then hawked a lougi on it.

For something so seemingly exciting, you have a way of making it really boring. The hook here is really weak, and you just kind of jump into it from talking about vegatarianism to some big explosion. You need a smoother transistion. "An explosion racked all four floors" isn't good enough, and doesn't do the event justice. I would suggest something like "Suddenly, an explosion rippled above them" or some bullshit like that.

The crowd clung to overpriced garments and miscellaneous items as if their souls would escape without, yet none even paused for what must be another worried shriek of a lost child.

Should have a "them" after "without", but that's a pretty good metaphor you have there. Good job with coming full circle from Valentine hearing the freshman being beaten up to him hearing the shriek of the kid.

Despite smaller stature, the on rushers seemed to flow around the determined dreadlocked vegan.

"Despite HIS smaller stature"

The boy struggled to release himself from the tormenting shackles of what was moments ago the fondest of childhood memories turned nightmare for years to come.

What? Where did this come from? Are you talking about Valentine when he was looking at the amusement park ride? If so, you should mention that he rode the rides as a kid or something, to atleast give the reader a chance of understanding what you're saying.

Oh, I see, you just switched perspective's from Valentine to the kid, without any sign of a break. Even with a break, this is a creative-writing no-no. Switching perspectives is one of the easiest things to avoid as a writer, and one of the most annoying things to have to put up with as a reader. I suggest deleting that entire chunk of text from the child's perspective entirely.

Also, not only did you switch perspective's there, you also changed your entire writing style, which is equally annoying for the reader.

Fluidly, as if trained for the situation, Valentine ripped the safety equipment to pieces to pick up the child-blanket and all-and toss him effortlessly to Max who caught him weightlessly in his dumbbell defined arms.

What? How is he so well preparded for the situation? Isn't this kid the whiny, dreadlocked, vegan that just annoys everybody with his self-righteousness. How did he rip the safety equipment apart so easily? I could believe it if it was Max, who is probably pretty strong, but how is Valentine able to accomplish these super-heroic feats so easily?

Valentine looked into the child’s empty eyes full of darkness and inquired his name. Valentine couldn’t help but smile when the child included age, grade, and the name of his little league football team.
“You like sports?” Val asked. To which he received a nervous nod. “Do you see how big my friend is?” he continued. “It’s because he’s a football player.”
“Like Brett Favre?” Bobby asked innocently and Max wrinkled his nose in disgust.
“Just like him,” Val answered and coughed into the smoke. A quick summary of the game plan dipped the lost child into a fantasy that this was going to be just like running the last play of a Super Bowl, with Bobby as the ball. In the twenty-five seconds their conversation took place, the rafters had begun to melt. The sky was literally falling.

Right, thousands of people are swarming out of the mall because of some unknown explosion, that is probably the result of the terrorist attack you alluded to earlier, and the three of them are just sitting around calmly having a nice fucking conversation about Football. You also switched point of view's again from Valentine to the child. God that's annoying.

Bobby called, “Hike!” and they set off immediately. In between jukes and dives of fleeing customers and spreading flames, Max realized his partner was not following closely behind as planned. He saw Val sigh to himself as he headed in the opposite direction of sure safety. Valentine was fulfilling the insationable urge he had possessed since third grade, and followed the distant cries for help.

Aw how cute. The little kid who just barely escaped certain death is now having a nice little Football fantasy? Where do you get the nerve? You are doing a disservice to anyone who ever had the intention to write beatiful fiction. I partly understand why Valentine ends up not going for safety, due to the cloudy references to "Charley" in the beggining, but c'mon, even that is just so far fetched.



Anyways, the problems I listed are really just the beggining for this story. I'll admit, you had some strong points, like some of the strong subtley regarding the terrorist attack among other points of the plot, but it gets lost in the confusion and error's of your writing style. Also, your character's are all really boring and cliche. I can't find a character in this story who isn't just a caricature, even down to the kids in detention smoking cigarettes... I mean c'mon, the cute little kid who gets saved, the hot shot Football playing ladies man, the holier than thou Vegan. It's all just way too much, and none of the characters come off as seeming remotely real, because in real life, caricatures like that don't exist.

Anyways, nice try. I hope you haven't turned that story in yet in the form that you have it in. If so I'd be curious to know what kind of grade you got. Probably pretty high if you go to a public school.

I think that's the reason American's are so literarily inept these days: such low standards.

[Splint]

Dan, you are condescending and overreactionary. Constructive criticism is one thing, but your attitude throughout that whole critique and your reasoning for giving it in the first place had nothing to do with irony or "superior knowledge". Rather, it proved to everyone that you are a whining bully who doesn't like to be called stupid.

You already tore Vindicator apart in the Smoke thread, but you just have to go the extra mile and rip apart a piece of work that he sincerely asked for help with. And to prove just how much of an ass you really are, you held onto that shit for 4 days and then came back with this crap.

To coin a phrase, "Get off his dick" because you're just fucking yourself in the ass.

[james_dean]

waaaah mummy he called me stupid!!



Get over yourself. There's nothing 'superior' about you, most of your posts over the last week have been an embarressment to yourself. Double standards, illogical reasoning, personal insults, excessive gloating, etc.

[Jas]

im superior too, RESPECT MY AUTHOROTOOOR!!

[BainbridgeShred]

Dan, you are condescending and overreactionary. Constructive criticism is one thing, but your attitude throughout that whole critique and your reasoning for giving it in the first place had nothing to do with irony or "superior knowledge". Rather, it proved to everyone that you are a whining bully who doesn't like to be called stupid.

You already tore Vindicator apart in the Smoke thread, but you just have to go the extra mile and rip apart a piece of work that he sincerely asked for help with. And to prove just how much of an ass you really are, you held onto that shit for 4 days and then came back with this crap.

To coin a phrase, "Get off his dick" because you're just fucking yourself in the ass.

You're not looking at the plus side. I just raised the grade of that story from -C to a B. I might of done it in a smart-ass manner, but ask yourself this, am I any better or any worse than the people who didn't reply to this topic at all? This thread has sat here for 8 days before I got it, without a single response. Atleast I helped Vindicator, if at the same time pointing otu how blatantly horrible the story was, while all you idiots did was sit around (Possibly for not wanting to offend him?). Basically, while you self-righteous idiots sat around doing nothing, I went through the entire piece of work and criticized it for him. My reasons for doing so are irrelevent.

Sorry if I hurt anybody's feelings

[BainbridgeShred]

And honestly, if Vind hasn't learned to take a verbal beating yet, it's time someone teaches him. Not everyone in the world is as nice as the idiots on modified.

[Splint]

You're not looking at the plus side. I just raised the grade of that story from -C to a B. I might of done it in a smart-ass manner, but ask yourself this, am I any better or any worse than the people who didn't reply to this topic at all? This thread has sat here for 8 days before I got it, without a single response.

Basically, while you self-righteous idiots sat around doing nothing, I went through the entire piece of work and criticized it for him. My reasons for doing so are irrelevent.

Actually, a week ago Joshua and I traded PMs in which I took the story apart for him in a very professional and supportive manner. I answered the questions he had about his objectives with the story and gave him suggestions to improve his story without being condescending.

A lot goes on below the surface level Dan, but you wouldn't know that now would you? You're too much of a self-righteous prick to think beyond your own little world; a little world that is about to get even smaller. You've proven over the last few days that you can't play nice with the members of modified and for that you can enjoy the ban I'm about to give you.

[qphox]

Umm...I didn't know this was even here until Brad referred to it in a different thread. I just wanted to quote myself...as I replied in the Kicking Circle where it was (originally?) posted.

I'm not going to lie to you, this was a really difficult read. You had some really wacky sentence structure going on, and one sentence in particular that I read through 7 or 8 times before coming to the conclusion that it just didn't work at all.

That said, I did enjoy the last bit of the story...it worked really well.

But here's some thoughts, just off the top of my head:

"Students filed out into the halls like monotonous ants without wills of their own."

I'm not really sure what you mean by monotonous in this sentence. Also, you already used this word earlier in the story...and if the repetition is without reason, then it's unneeded and distracting.
Moreover, "without wills of their own" is just reiteration of "ants." You don't really need it there when it's been implied. That's what ants do. I suppose you could even metaphor it up somehow by stating that the students ARE ants...'Ants filed out into the halls' or something of that nature.

Ummm...

"Max was shocked, “You don’t eat meat?” he cried in denial."

Probably just me, but denial sounds weird...we already know that he's shocked, and that he's "all about meat"...you could just throw a word like "protested" in place of "cried in denial".


Andd....

Oh yeah, this crazy sentence:

"Concrete structures overpopulated with pedestrians awaiting the screeching entrance newly concocted and already tagged Light Rail."

Read that sentence to yourself out loud. Tell me what you're trying to say. It seems like you've got a bunch of large words that make up a non-sentence.

I don't know. I can't make sense of it.


And who is Sammy? The first time you make mention of him, I assumed you were going to elaborate on what happened there...and then you mentioned his name again...and then nothing else came. Is that what you had intended - for me to "not know" since "nobody cared" ?


As far as your protagonist, while you were successful in "making him do the right thing", you also make him sound really arrogant. I don't know if this is what you were going for, but all the sighs and moans and rolling of eyes point to that character trait. It wasn't just that he disapproved of Max, but rather that he thought himself better than him.

Which makes me wonder in the end if he's doing the "right" thing because it benefits everyone else...or...if he's doing the right thing because he feels some kind of need to prove to himself that he's a good person; a better person than people like Max.



Well, just a few thoughts. I didn't really give it a thorough critique, sorry...but given the number of posts thus far, I figured you'd appreciate anything.

- Kevin Regamey

And to talk about some of the criticism Dan threw out there...(threw, not through)...I agree with about 60% of what he said. I don't agree with how he said it, but I guess "that's irrelevant".

The part I disagreed with most is how Valentine dealt with the crying child. I think it's safe to say Dan has no idea how to act around children whatsoever. Kids don't know how to act in a crisis. Valentine hardly had a lengthy conversation about football. He just spoke in words that made the kid comfortable, working with the limited time they had. I don't understand what's so difficult to grasp here. *shrug* Well, he can't reply anyway, so I guess I'm talking to no one anyway.


Also, I have to wonder: If his reasons behind posting are so irrelevant, why does Dan feel the need to divulge them at all?

[shredzilla]

dude I hate rollercoasters. they scare me. I went on one in Texas that was the biggest one at the time and I swear we were like looking down at tiny buildings it was so tall.

[Muffinman]

I wasn't looking for errors, and I didn't even read 90% of yours comments:

but it gets lost in the confusion and error's of your writing style. Also, your character's are all really boring and cliche.

I think that's the reason American's are so literarily inept these days: such low standards.

Improper use of apostrophes

I might of done it in a smart-ass manner,

Might have

the hot shot Football playing ladies man

the holier than thou Vegan

(Possibly for not wanting to offend him?)

Improper use of capitals

[Splint]

[Guest_2]

Thanks all, I've since turned it in and appreciate the help

[^L3* B]

tell us what you get

[BainbridgeShred]

wasn't looking for errors, and I didn't even read 90% of yours comments:

BainbridgeShred wrote:
but it gets lost in the confusion and error's of your writing style. Also, your character's are all really boring and cliche.

BainbridgeShred wrote:
I think that's the reason American's are so literarily inept these days: such low standards.

Improper use of apostrophes
BainbridgeShred wrote:
I might of done it in a smart-ass manner,

Might have
BainbridgeShred wrote:
the hot shot Football playing ladies man

BainbridgeShred wrote:
the holier than thou Vegan

BainbridgeShred wrote:
(Possibly for not wanting to offend him?)

Improper use of capitals

If I was actually looking to use good grammar and such in my modified posts, then my mechanics would be faultless. The fact is though that a post on an internet forum is different from a short story being turned in for school. In creative writing, good grammar is important because it creates a good flow for the story, with timing and tempo, but as far as posting on a message board goes I could give a shit. I don't know what to tell you if you don't understand this, Erik. I'm sure you could find more than a couple errors in this post alone.

[BainbridgeShred]

And to talk about some of the criticism Dan threw out there...(threw, not through)...I agree with about 60% of what he said. I don't agree with how he said it, but I guess "that's irrelevant".

The part I disagreed with most is how Valentine dealt with the crying child. I think it's safe to say Dan has no idea how to act around children whatsoever. Kids don't know how to act in a crisis. Valentine hardly had a lengthy conversation about football. He just spoke in words that made the kid comfortable, working with the limited time they had. I don't understand what's so difficult to grasp here. *shrug* Well, he can't reply anyway, so I guess I'm talking to no one anyway.

What 40% do you disagree with? In regards to Valentine and the kid's conversatino during the crisis, I still honestly find it unbelieveable. I understand kids break down in crisis', but the strategy Valentine used is appliable to calming a kid down if his mom died or if he scraped his knee or lost his teddy bear or something. Not if "the sky is literally falling". When your life is in danger, and there are thousands of people screaming and rushing out of a huge mall, you don't stand there and talk for any length of time. I don't care how cool, calm, and collected you are: when your adrenelines pumping from just miracuolously ripping the safety equipment to "pieces", (Which still doesn't sound possible for a annoying Vegan kid lacking in protein and genitals), you don't just stand there and talk. You grab the kid by his legs and drag the little fuck out of the mall if you have too.

Actually, a week ago Joshua and I traded PMs in which I took the story apart for him in a very professional and supportive manner. I answered the questions he had about his objectives with the story and gave him suggestions to improve his story without being condescending.

There are more than 250 views of this thread, and only 3 people responded with actual, solid cirticism (You, me, QPhox). That makes a lot of people who saw this and didn't think it worth their time to help this person out. Congrats on being a mroe helpful person than everyone else (Besides me), but you're only one person out of many anonymous others who viewed this thread and didn't offer a single piece of advice.

[Muffinman]

You're the best Dan, and you're also very wise.

[BainbridgeShred]

You have a pretty smile in your avatar picture.

<---- That's what you look like, except the actual text version does a better job capturing it then the emoticon. Look at that, "Avatar", "Text Version", "Emotiocon". I know all the computer lingo. Like gigabyte.

[SandWraith]

You're the new Matt Kain. Your flames are hilarious.
Wait, I probably shouldn't be encouraging you.
Ahhh what the hell.

My personal favorites are:

In creative writing, good grammar is important because it creates a good flow for the story, with timing and tempo, but as far as posting on a message board goes I could give a shit.

and

I don't care how cool, calm, and collected you are: when your adrenelines pumping from just miracuolously ripping the safety equipment to "pieces", (Which still doesn't sound possible for a annoying Vegan kid lacking in protein and genitals), you don't just stand there and talk. You grab the kid by his legs and drag the little fuck out of the mall if you have too.