The Metro

slapdash21 · Post by **slapdash21** » 31 Jan 2006 14:55

Anyone have this small paper locally? its mostly in America, but other places as well. It's looked down on by most people are here, probably for some of the following stories, that i will quote verbatim periodically.

'Potato' Computers used for retail fraud
German police are investigating after an angry man returned a computer he had just bought saying it was packing with small potatoes instead of computer parts

The store replaced the computer free of charge but became suspicious when he returned a short time later with another potato-filled computer casing, police in the western city of Kaiserslautern said yesterday.
"The second time he said he didn't need a computer any more and asked for his money back in cash," a police spokesman said.
Police are investigating the man for fraud. (Reuters, Boston Metro)

i have been collecting short humorous articles for years and pasting them on paper as a collage. sorry for the lack of dates.

Iron Clad Ben · Post by **Iron Clad Ben** » 31 Jan 2006 15:15

Do they still have the "Boston Comic News" over there? That rag was about as hilarious as it gets. I miss Boston now.

For hilarious REAL news, you gotta check out:
http://www.fark.com/

slapdash21 · Post by **slapdash21** » 01 Feb 2006 12:42

Teacher hits pupil with deodorant
Law- A New York teacher has been arrested after allegedly pulling down a pupil's trousers and spraying deodorant after the child "made an odor"
Brooklyn Tutor Jane Fazone was taken into custody after the "foul aroma" incident at the Hillery Park Academy. Detectives have stated she also sprayed air freshener in the 10-year old boy's mouth, reports WNBC.com. (Ananova.com)

Bander87 · Post by **Bander87** » 01 Feb 2006 14:49

‘Hero’ cat apparently dials 911 to help owner
Responding to emergency call, police officer finds feline next to phone

COLUMBUS, Ohio - Police aren't sure how else to explain it. But when an officer walked into an apartment Thursday night to answer a 911 call, an orange-and-tan striped cat was lying by a telephone on the living room floor. The cat's owner, Gary Rosheisen, was on the ground near his bed having fallen out of his wheelchair.

Rosheisen said his cat, Tommy, must have hit the right buttons to call 911.

"I know it sounds kind of weird," Officer Patrick Daugherty said, unsuccessfully searching for some other explanation.

Rosheisen said he couldn't get up because of pain from osteoporosis and ministrokes that disrupt his balance. He also wasn't wearing his medical-alert necklace and couldn't reach a cord above his pillow that alerts paramedics that he needs help.

Daugherty said police received a 911 call from Rosheisen's apartment, but there was no one on the phone. Police called back to make sure everything was OK, and when no one answered, they decided to check things out.

That's when Daugherty found Tommy next to the phone.

Rosheisen got the cat three years ago to help lower his blood pressure. He tried to train him to call 911, unsure if the training ever stuck.

The phone in the living room is always on the floor, and there are 12 small buttons — including a speed dial for 911 right above the button for the speaker phone.

"He's my hero," Rosheisen said.

slapdash21 · Post by **slapdash21** » 02 Feb 2006 18:38

Stiff discipline after Viagra prank

Viagra-Six British schoolboys were rushed to a hospital after taking the erection-enhancing drug viagra for a dare, the school said on thursday. "The school has a strict no drugs policy and a pupil will be temporarily excluded for actions which placed other pupils at risk," the education authority said. (Reuters)

slapdash21 · Post by **slapdash21** » 03 Feb 2006 05:31

Bizarre tar death ruled a suicide
Sandwich- Authorities have ruled the death of a man found late Tuesday morning at the Sandwich Motor Lodge on Route 6A covered in a combination of tar and paint thinner a suicide, according to a spokesman from the Cape and Islands District Attorney's office. (Metro)

slapdash21 · Post by **slapdash21** » 03 Feb 2006 11:15

Man prompted suicide for kicks
Crime- Austrian police arrested a man suspected of encouraging people over the Internet to kill themselves for his sexual pleasure.
In a statement, Austrian police said the man "obviously intended to push other people to commit suicide in order to arouse himself sexually," adding that noine of the people he contacted had killed themselves. (Reuters)

slapdash21 · Post by **slapdash21** » 04 Feb 2006 14:27

Vietnamese boy sold as dog meat
Crime-Vietnamese drug addicts kidnapped a mute teenager from a busy market, bundled him in a sack, and sold him to a dog-meat eatery as a stray canine for $19, state media said saturday.
The restaurant owner, shocked to find the boy, fed him dinner and then released him. (Reuters)

the real funny part about this one is that the story makes a big deal out of pointing out exactly how much this stray canine was worth

slapdash21 · Post by **slapdash21** » 07 Feb 2006 10:23

'Salvation potion' kills 64
A priest is on the run after 64 members of his congregation were poisoned to death by a potion he said would grant them salvation, the Democratic of Congo's health minister said Thursday.
The incident happened about a week ago in the remote town of Bosobe, some 315 miles northeast of the capital Kinshaa. It was not clear whether the victims died immediately.
After years of war that has....
(Reuters)

slapdash21 · Post by **slapdash21** » 07 Feb 2006 10:25

(a short)
DEATH- An autistic boy who missed three days of school was found by his kindergarten teachers at home-watching cartoons-unaware that his mother was dead in their Oklahoma apartment. (AP)

slapdash21 · Post by **slapdash21** » 09 Feb 2006 07:27

Brockton first grader suspended for sexual harassment
Brockton-A Brockton first grader was suspended for three days after school officials said he sexually harassed a girl in his class by allegedly putting two fingers inside the girl's waistband while she sat on the floor in front of him.
The boy's mother, Berthena Dorinvil, said she "screamed" about last week's suspension from Downey Elementary School, and added her son doesn't know what sexual harassment is...
(AP)

slapdash21 · Post by **slapdash21** » 09 Feb 2006 07:36

and for you football fans...some quotes

"We knew it was going to be tough going up against the Pittsburgh Steelers. I didn't know we were going to have to play the guys in the striped shirts as well."

-Seahawks head coach Mike Holmgren, speaking at a rally Monday. Holmgren and the rest of the Seahawks are still steamed over the disputed calls in Sunday's Super Bowl.

"I told Coach, 'I don't think I got in.' But we were getting ready to go for it on fourth down anyway, and I would have run it in again. So we would have found a way to get in."

-Steelers' quarterback Ben Roethlisberger speaking to David Letterman Monday night on Roethlisberger's disputed second-quarter touchdown in Superbowl XL

(metro)

slapdash21 · Post by **slapdash21** » 12 Feb 2006 07:11

Woman sues over condom in chower
Waiter, there is something worse than a fly in my soup.
A California woman who found a condom in her bowl of clam chowder has sued the upscale restaurant that served it to her-saying she has suffered depression and anxiety from the shocking discovery.
But an attorney for McCormick & Schmicks Seafood restuarant in Irvine, Calif., says the eatery has no idea how the condom got in Laila Sultan's food.
Sultan, 48, and her three companions are suing the resturaunt for negligence and intentional infliction of emotional distress in a case that is expected to go to trial early next year.
"I thought it was calamari or shrimp or something, so i chewed one more," Sultan told local KCAL-TV Monday. "It felt rubbery. I told my friends, "My God, there's something in my mouth."
Sultan said she spit the offending object into a napkin and at first thought it was a latex glove. Then her friend realized what it was.
"I said, 'Oh my God' and ran into the bathroom with another friend of mine and I started throwing up," she said. "I threw up everything I ate there, every single thing, I threw up in the bathroom."
But Patrick Stark, an attorney for McCormick & Schmicks, told the Los Angeles Times that its staff had no idea how the condom got into the chowder.
"It's as big a mystery to us as it is to anybody else," he said.
"We are going to argue at trial there is absolutely no evidence to suggest the resturaunt was the source of the condom," he told the paper. "Either it came from [the four women] or it was thrown in as a practical joke by another patron at the restaurant." (Reuters)

slapdash21 · Post by **slapdash21** » 12 Feb 2006 07:23

one more, since i missed a few days...

Man mistakenly cuts off penis; dog eats it
Bucharest-An elderly Romanian mistook his penis for a chicken's neck, cut it off, and his dog rushed up and ate it, the state Rompres news agency said yesteday. It said 67-year old Constantin Mocanu, near the southeastern town of Galati, rushed out into his yard in his underwear to kill a noisy chicken keeping him awake at night. "I confused it with a chicken's neck," who was admitted to the hospital in Galati, said. (Reuters)

so anyone reading these?

NotHisRealName · Post by **NotHisRealName** » 12 Feb 2006 20:34

I just read the lot. That last one was pretty weird. How the hell do you mistake it for a chicken's neck?

slapdash21 · Post by **slapdash21** » 13 Feb 2006 05:54

yeah well, i have been suspicious about that one ever since i cut that article out. i dunno what he was doing, or how that happened, but i really cant see it going down how he said it did. im thinkin he smeared something the dog might like...on somewhere the guy might like...you know what i mean. thats how I think it went down.

slapdash21 · Post by **slapdash21** » 13 Feb 2006 05:58

Albino gorilla dies of skin cancer
Animals-Spain yesterday bade farewell to the world's only known albino gorilla, Snowflake, a national favorite who died after a long struggle with skin cancer. Despite his gentle name, Snowflake was renowned for his ill temper and scowling expression. He fathered more that 20 children, appearing on the cover of National Geographic magazine, and was a favorite with generations of Spanish kids. (Reuters)

slapdash21 · Post by **slapdash21** » 14 Feb 2006 05:37

One-legged inmates escape Brazilian jail
Two one-legged inmates were among 26 prisoners who scaled walls to break out of an overcrowded jail in the Brazilian city of Niteroi, authorities said yesterday.
A spokeswoman with...
(Reuters)

slapdash21 · Post by **slapdash21** » 14 Feb 2006 05:39

A science teacher in North Carolina who conducted an experiment in which students chugged milk until they vomited has been dismissed. (AP)

slapdash21 · Post by **slapdash21** » 14 Feb 2006 14:11

L.A. Times: Arnie groped at least 15
Los Angeles- The Los Angeles Times yesterday published another batch of damaging revelations on Arnold Swarzenegger's alleged history of sexual harassment and assault on women as the actor fought to keep his campain for California governor on track.
The newspaper alleged Swarzenegger groped at least 15 women, one as recently as 2000, and named three of the four women who it said came forward with fresh allegations saturday, three days before tomorrow's recall vote.
Among them was a woman who said he spanked her in 2000, another who said he followed her into a bathroom and grabbed her breast, and one who said he reached up under her skirt and grabbed her bare buttocks in the 1980s. (Reuters)