I hava a college essay written up and have all (or most) the mechanical stuff weeded out. Right now I'm wondering if the content is fine. I had a teacher look over it but she didn't comment on the content.
Should I post it in here or let people PM me and give them the essay?
Thanks
College Essays
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shredzilla
- Post Master General
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Importance of Elders
By Benjamin Adler
There are many individuals in one’s life, whether it would be family, friends, coworkers, teachers or coaches. We should always cherish these moments with these individuals and help to develop stronger relationships with them, more especially, our elders. Elders are those that have gone before us in life. They are wise and experienced. They are the ones who look after us, guide us through hardships and give us advice.
Personally, I am very thankful for the elders in my life, because after all, my friends cannot give me all the advice that I may need. My parents are the two elders that influence me the most. They encourage me greatly in the areas I pursue, whether I’m breaking the 5 minute mile or organizing a 50 attendant gaming event. My mother and father are always looking out for me and make sure I stay on a good path. Every school morning my mother asks before I leave through the front door if I have everything for school. Although she knows I am responsible, she can’t be kept from caring. Because my priorities can tend to drift, my mother often times catches up on my school progress. Like my mother, my father is an equal important elder in my life. He understands my bright future and helps me develop good character, integrity and other positive attributes. He understands the importance of being prompt to work and showing one’s dependability when task are required of themselves. Because of this, my father has helped me develop the great character that I have today.
Teachers and coaches are just as significant. They are available when needed by their students and athletes. They give advice and take pride in who they teach and train. Teachers motivate me to succeed and make me curious to learn more. They help me stretch my mind and think outside the box. My cross country and track coach made sure I had a good balance between training and school. He would always help push me faster and harder to help reach the goals I had set forth for myself. My youth group leader has also played a role in my life. He has helped me to develop stronger relationships with others as I hold firm to my faith.
Overall, elders help to motivate and inspire me. They help me toward success and encourage me to reach my goals. Elders are more than those who are older, they are parents, teachers, coaches, and youth leaders. They are motivators, inspirations and friends. I can truthfully say that without these elders in my life, that I would not be the same person who I am right now. For this reason, I am very thankful and give them my respect.
By Benjamin Adler
There are many individuals in one’s life, whether it would be family, friends, coworkers, teachers or coaches. We should always cherish these moments with these individuals and help to develop stronger relationships with them, more especially, our elders. Elders are those that have gone before us in life. They are wise and experienced. They are the ones who look after us, guide us through hardships and give us advice.
Personally, I am very thankful for the elders in my life, because after all, my friends cannot give me all the advice that I may need. My parents are the two elders that influence me the most. They encourage me greatly in the areas I pursue, whether I’m breaking the 5 minute mile or organizing a 50 attendant gaming event. My mother and father are always looking out for me and make sure I stay on a good path. Every school morning my mother asks before I leave through the front door if I have everything for school. Although she knows I am responsible, she can’t be kept from caring. Because my priorities can tend to drift, my mother often times catches up on my school progress. Like my mother, my father is an equal important elder in my life. He understands my bright future and helps me develop good character, integrity and other positive attributes. He understands the importance of being prompt to work and showing one’s dependability when task are required of themselves. Because of this, my father has helped me develop the great character that I have today.
Teachers and coaches are just as significant. They are available when needed by their students and athletes. They give advice and take pride in who they teach and train. Teachers motivate me to succeed and make me curious to learn more. They help me stretch my mind and think outside the box. My cross country and track coach made sure I had a good balance between training and school. He would always help push me faster and harder to help reach the goals I had set forth for myself. My youth group leader has also played a role in my life. He has helped me to develop stronger relationships with others as I hold firm to my faith.
Overall, elders help to motivate and inspire me. They help me toward success and encourage me to reach my goals. Elders are more than those who are older, they are parents, teachers, coaches, and youth leaders. They are motivators, inspirations and friends. I can truthfully say that without these elders in my life, that I would not be the same person who I am right now. For this reason, I am very thankful and give them my respect.
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Senor Grommet
- Post Master General
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EEEEEDIT: Definitely, this essay is NOT ready for submission to a college entrance commitee. You need to spruce this baby up a bit and have several more people read it and opine on it.
*Bander, if I parenthesize () anything, it means I think it should be deleted.
*Words in Italics are my words added to your essay.
There are many individuals in one’s life, whether (it would be) family, friends, coworkers, teachers or coaches. We should always cherish (these) moments with these individuals and ((help) use *strive* instead maybe?) to develop stronger relationships with them, (more) especially (,) our elders. Elders are those who (that) have gone before us in life and, as a result, (. They) are wise and experienced. Elders (They are the ones who) look after us, guide us through hardships, and give us advice.
Personally, I am very thankful for the elders in my life, because after all, my friends cannot give me all the advice that I may need. My parents are my two most influential elders (two elders that influence me the most). They encourage me greatly in my pursuits (the areas I pursue), whether I’m breaking the 5 minute mile or organizing a 50- attendant sporting (gaming) event. My mother and father (are) always look(ing) out for me and make sure I stay on a good path. Every (school) morning, my mother asks before I leave through the front door if I have everything I need for school. Although she knows I am responsible, she can’t be kept from caring. Because my priorities can tend to drift, my mother often (times) catches up on my school progress. Like my mother, my father's role in ly life is equally important (is an equal important elder in my life). He understands my bright future and helps me to develop good character, integrity and other positive attributes. ***** I think you need to back this assertion with a concrete example or two****** He understands the importance of (being) promptness to work and showing one’s dependability when the completion of important tasks is required (of themselves). Because of my father (this), I have (my father has helped me) developed the great character that I have today.
Teachers and coaches are just as significant. They are available when needed by their students and athletes. They give advice and take pride in who they teach and train. Teachers motivate me to succeed and make me curious to learn more. They help me stretch my mind and think outside the box. My cross country and track coach made sure I had a good balance between training and school. He would always help to push me faster and harder to aid me in (help) reaching the goals I (had) set (forth) for myself. My youth group leader has also played a role in my life. ******Unless you are going to give an example of what he/she has done, the prior sentence does nothing to strengthen your argument******* He has helped me to develop stronger relationships with others as I hold firm to my faith.
Overall, elders help to motivate and inspire me. They help me toward success and encourage me to reach my goals. Elders are more than those who are older, they are parents, teachers, coaches, and youth leaders. They are motivators, inspirations and friends. (I can truthfully say that) Without these elders in my life, (that) I would not be the same person who I am right now *****I think you want to tell us how you are "not the same" here, rather than say that you are "not the same"*****. For this reason, I am very thankful and give them my respect.
Overall, I think it is good, BUT, you need to question whether you actually mentioned the specific examples of the behavior of your elders. How did they do what you are saying they did?
DID this example help me to prove my point? What was my specific example. Could the reader identify exactly what situations I am talking about if i were to ask?
BAD Examples:
"He understands my bright future and helps me to develop good character, integrity and other positive attributes."
How does he help you to develop this character? What is something specific that he has done for you? Non-specific examples dont help to bolster your argument.
"He has helped me to develop stronger relationships with others as I hold firm to my faith." How? What did he do specifically? This is not an example.
*Bander, if I parenthesize () anything, it means I think it should be deleted.
*Words in Italics are my words added to your essay.
There are many individuals in one’s life, whether (it would be) family, friends, coworkers, teachers or coaches. We should always cherish (these) moments with these individuals and ((help) use *strive* instead maybe?) to develop stronger relationships with them, (more) especially (,) our elders. Elders are those who (that) have gone before us in life and, as a result, (. They) are wise and experienced. Elders (They are the ones who) look after us, guide us through hardships, and give us advice.
Personally, I am very thankful for the elders in my life, because after all, my friends cannot give me all the advice that I may need. My parents are my two most influential elders (two elders that influence me the most). They encourage me greatly in my pursuits (the areas I pursue), whether I’m breaking the 5 minute mile or organizing a 50- attendant sporting (gaming) event. My mother and father (are) always look(ing) out for me and make sure I stay on a good path. Every (school) morning, my mother asks before I leave through the front door if I have everything I need for school. Although she knows I am responsible, she can’t be kept from caring. Because my priorities can tend to drift, my mother often (times) catches up on my school progress. Like my mother, my father's role in ly life is equally important (is an equal important elder in my life). He understands my bright future and helps me to develop good character, integrity and other positive attributes. ***** I think you need to back this assertion with a concrete example or two****** He understands the importance of (being) promptness to work and showing one’s dependability when the completion of important tasks is required (of themselves). Because of my father (this), I have (my father has helped me) developed the great character that I have today.
Teachers and coaches are just as significant. They are available when needed by their students and athletes. They give advice and take pride in who they teach and train. Teachers motivate me to succeed and make me curious to learn more. They help me stretch my mind and think outside the box. My cross country and track coach made sure I had a good balance between training and school. He would always help to push me faster and harder to aid me in (help) reaching the goals I (had) set (forth) for myself. My youth group leader has also played a role in my life. ******Unless you are going to give an example of what he/she has done, the prior sentence does nothing to strengthen your argument******* He has helped me to develop stronger relationships with others as I hold firm to my faith.
Overall, elders help to motivate and inspire me. They help me toward success and encourage me to reach my goals. Elders are more than those who are older, they are parents, teachers, coaches, and youth leaders. They are motivators, inspirations and friends. (I can truthfully say that) Without these elders in my life, (that) I would not be the same person who I am right now *****I think you want to tell us how you are "not the same" here, rather than say that you are "not the same"*****. For this reason, I am very thankful and give them my respect.
Overall, I think it is good, BUT, you need to question whether you actually mentioned the specific examples of the behavior of your elders. How did they do what you are saying they did?
DID this example help me to prove my point? What was my specific example. Could the reader identify exactly what situations I am talking about if i were to ask?
BAD Examples:
"He understands my bright future and helps me to develop good character, integrity and other positive attributes."
How does he help you to develop this character? What is something specific that he has done for you? Non-specific examples dont help to bolster your argument.
"He has helped me to develop stronger relationships with others as I hold firm to my faith." How? What did he do specifically? This is not an example.
My name: Jeremy Mirken, AKA Chocolatey Shatner, AKA jerk enemy rim.
I kick it with trunk chef elf and liz luck key my.
I kick it with trunk chef elf and liz luck key my.