my footbag essay

Disturbedboy365 · Post by **Disturbedboy365** » 23 Mar 2007 15:09

alright, i had to do a 5-7 information essay on anything i wanted, so i chose footbag, and here it is.

Freestyle Footbag
By
Austin French

Footbag, is the sport commonly known as â€œHacky-Sackâ€

DanJohnHarris · Post by **DanJohnHarris** » 24 Mar 2007 16:41

You plagiarized wikipedia, and your grammar needs serious work. You also introduced the ADD system twice...

Sometimes, it seems like typing can be an individuals 'communication flipside'. Read your stuff out loud, and when it sounds weird to you, change it. I have never understood why/how people can be absent minded enough to put it down like that in the first place. You speak English, hopefully, so why can't you type it?

Disturbedboy365 · Post by **Disturbedboy365** » 24 Mar 2007 20:08

alright, i appreciate the constructive criticism... but first off, i named my source of wikipedia, if my teacher wants to look that up, she is more than welcome to, and yes i speak english fluently, i am in the 11th grade in the state of colorado, united states, yet i am unsure of why exactly you say my grammar needs serious work, i would like you to point out some examples to help me out with this problem.

*edit* and i did just now realize that i did introduce the ADD system twice, the second time almost as if i hadnt introduced it before, that was an editing mistake on my part.

PegLegHolly · Post by **PegLegHolly** » 24 Mar 2007 20:38

[quote="Disturbedboy365"]alright, i had to do a 5-7 information essay on anything i wanted, so i chose footbag, and here it is.

Freestyle Footbag
By
Austin French

Footbag, is the sport commonly known as â€œHacky-Sackâ€

Disturbedboy365 · Post by **Disturbedboy365** » 24 Mar 2007 21:00

thank you for your help on the paper, even though its already been turned in for a few days, its not going to help my grade on it, but it will help me become a better writer, and i appreciate your help, especially pointing out specifically what my grammar errors were, which by the way, i never exacty said i had good grammar, i was just saying that i wasnt sure where my grammar had slipped up and was asking for help with that.

DanJohnHarris · Post by **DanJohnHarris** » 29 Mar 2007 23:51

just because...

[quote="PegLegHolly"][quote="Disturbedboy365"]alright, i had to do a 5-7 information essay on anything i wanted, so i chose footbag, and here it is.

Freestyle Footbag
By
Austin French

Footbag, (don't put a comma here) is the sport commonly known as â€œHacky-Sackâ€

Disturbedboy365 · Post by **Disturbedboy365** » 30 Mar 2007 11:05

awesome, i'll keep that in mind, and i'm sure i'm going to be sending you a few more essays in this schoolyear if thats the case.

sNale · Post by **sNale** » 01 Apr 2007 01:33

Hi Austin I just read through your essay I want to mention one thing. I don't no the requirements you have for your essays, but you should tell the readers in the first one or two sentences what your text is about. I always like to have an introduction like this, so I have an overview about the topic. You just jump in and explain where the term hacky-sack comes from. Anyone sharing my opinion?
But writing about footbag is always thing

BenRea · Post by **BenRea** » 01 Apr 2007 10:05

sNale wrote:Hi Austin I just read through your essay I want to mention one thing. I don't no the requirements you have for your essays, but you should tell the readers in the first one or two sentences what your text is about. I always like to have an introduction like this, so I have an overview about the topic. You just jump in and explain where the term hacky-sack comes from. Anyone sharing my opinion?
But writing about footbag is always thing

i am not sharing your Opinion. A sign of a weak writer is doing just that. like saying "In this essay i will be discussing...", in my opinion that is a very bad thing to do and my english teachers over the years have also said not to do that.

Disturbedboy365 · Post by **Disturbedboy365** » 04 Apr 2007 20:09

in case anyone really cares... i got a 20/25 on the essay, the five points off are for how late it was

slapdash21 · Post by **slapdash21** » 05 Apr 2007 04:53

BenRea wrote:
sNale wrote:Hi Austin I just read through your essay I want to mention one thing. I don't no the requirements you have for your essays, but you should tell the readers in the first one or two sentences what your text is about. I always like to have an introduction like this, so I have an overview about the topic. You just jump in and explain where the term hacky-sack comes from. Anyone sharing my opinion?
But writing about footbag is always thing
i am not sharing your Opinion. A sign of a weak writer is doing just that. like saying "In this essay i will be discussing...", in my opinion that is a very bad thing to do and my english teachers over the years have also said not to do that.

yeah the long and short of it is you DO want an introduction that briefly states the general ideas conveyed in the rest of your essay but as Ben said you do NOT want to tell them outright. never say anything like "in this essay i will..." or "the purpose of this essay is..." or "I think that [insert main idea of essay as introduction]..." these are all considered very unprofessional and informal to say the least.

slapdash21 · Post by **slapdash21** » 05 Apr 2007 04:55

although informative essays such as this one are somewhat exceptions to this rule, however it is still better form and writing to not talk directly about your opinion or to immediately describe the purpose of the essay

Blue_turnip · Post by **Blue_turnip** » 05 Apr 2007 07:23

Just a friendly word of advice. Dont say stuff like "I hope this makes sense". It makes it sound like you're unsure of your ability to communicate, which is something an essay should be showing off.

Disturbedboy365 · Post by **Disturbedboy365** » 17 Apr 2007 16:09

thanks oliver... i pretty much added that because of how long it took me to completely understand all the stuff that i put in there, and i actually learned some new stuff while writing the paper, such as the scoring for tournaments... but i'll keep that in mind.

Splint · Post by **Splint** » 17 Apr 2007 21:49

Hey Austin. I too live in Colorado and would be happy to look over any papers before you submit them. I'm in school for English Education and I do a very good job of editing papers.

I'll tell you quite honestly that this paper could have been torn apart much more than anyone did. Since this one is over and done with, I'm not going to go into a whole lot of detail as to how to make it better. It could be crafted into a well formed informational and persuasive essay and would be a good starting point to rework as a learning process. Right now the paper is just full of mistakes in grammar, consistency, and good reasoning. Not to mention, a ton of the information is half-assed.

Worlds isn't usually in Eastern Europe. Usually it's in the US or Canada. LATELY it's been held in Europe. The whole naming of "hacky sack" and "footbag" thing is rushed over and obviously plagiarized.

It's important to understand that there is a difference between telling people where they can get more information at the end of the paper and telling them the source where you are directly taking and regurgitating your information. You couldn't even get away with saying that you paraphrased most of that first paragraph. You may as well have just put quotes around the whole first paragraph. And shit, siting wikipedia is a mistake in and of itself since it just plagiarizes footbag.org.

You also should work on perspective voice. "I" am first, "you" are second. "they" are third. Pick one and stick to it. In this paper you used all three.

Also, your teacher should be shot and dragged out of the state for giving an 11th grade paper like this one such a high mark with points off just for being late.

Again I would be happy to go over papers with you in the future if you want to really learn how to write a paper you could post anywhere and be proud of. Understand this, your teacher is a moron and your grade on the paper is a reflection on your teacher as a job not done. Your teacher is seriously failing you.

Disturbedboy365 · Post by **Disturbedboy365** » 17 Apr 2007 23:30

your teacher is a moron

i could not have said that any better myself, class reminds me of kindergarten, but 100x more work, and no nap time

DanJohnHarris · Post by **DanJohnHarris** » 19 Apr 2007 07:34

Splint wrote: I'll tell you quite honestly that this paper could have been torn apart much more than anyone did. Since this one is over and done with, I'm not going to go into a whole lot of detail as to how to make it better.

Yo. I only corrected 'actual' mistakes; mechanical errors and the like. Proofreading, as an editor. Obviously, nothing in the paper would have been left standing if someone were to pick through it to make it 'better'. Frankly, it's not up to me to teach someone how to write a paper well. For most people, these skills take time to learn, and it is a waste to re-write a whole paper for someone who may not know exactly why all the changes were made. It's an even greater waste to explain each and every individual change.

modified

my footbag essay

my footbag essay

Re: my footbag essay

Re: my footbag essay