Please critique my Footbag article for University assignment

[King Monkey]

For my Print Journalism class at University i have to write a 500 word story on a community issue, group or sport. I chose footbag because of my knowledge and the ease of interviewing people.

Id like to invite everyone to read it and tell me anything that they believe could be changed, added, subtracted etc, or any other relevant comment. Maybe suggest a title? Its currently 556 words which is just about as much over the limit as i can go.

Its worth 25% of my assessment so any help will be great!!

PS. Its due in 2 days.

Thanks heaps


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With legs flailing wildly in the air and body spinning in circles, Guido Tapia gives yet another dazzling, dance-like performance. His partner in this display however is a golf-ball sized, soccer-ball style ‘beanbag’, and he is not dancing. He is playing Footbag, he tells me.

‘Footbag is basically juggling with your feet. This sport is very, very different to Hacky-Sack although it is related. It’s catching [the footbag] and trying to do tricks between every catch,’ says the 29-year-old Neutral Bay resident.

I watch as Mr. Tapia launches the footbag into the air, circling it with his legs as it descends, and catches it on his foot. He can even spin his body or duck under the footbag with his head, between catches.

Memories of lazily kicking a beanbag with friends while avoiding school classes are soon forgotten; I realise Footbag is something far beyond that.

When Mike Marshall and John Stalberger first invented Footbag in Oregon, USA in 1972, they also sold marketing rights to Wham-O corporation to produce the Hacky-Sack – effectively a brand of Footbag sports equipment. The recognition of Footbag as a sport is something Mr Tapia is quick to defend.

“Footbag is a sport; its not a hobby, its not a game, because it requires so much dedication.â€

[Blue_turnip]

i dunno if its just me but the first sentence reminded me of that channel nine news woman who compared footbaggers to demented insects stomping around.

Hah.

Otherwise it sounds very good and professional.

edit: Although i guess considering she was a news media person, maybe thats the look you should go for

[Cass]

[quote="King Monkey"] the exercise is is consistent and sustained,â€

[apoplectic]

i like it

[BenRea]

he still delights in challenging himself.



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does that make sense? is that like saying he enjoys?

[King Monkey]

yeh it means that, but in a more wanky, news person way lol
I think the opening is entirely cheesy, in agreeance with Oliver, but as you said, it has to sound newsy and readable.

Its more a news FEATURE than a news STORY due to the length, so you can use a bit of flare and buildup to your story rather than just giving raw facts etc like a regular news story.

Thanks for the input, keep it coming!

[King Monkey]

Well thanks to the couple of people who did reply.
I had to rewrite the whole thing because i misread the guidelines and had to instead focus on an issue involving the sport, not the sport itself.

So here is the final version i submitted, for anyone who is interested.


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With legs flailing wildly in the air and body spinning in circles, Guido Tapia gives yet another dazzling, dance-like performance. This is no dance however. It is a sport that he and other proponents believe could be key to beating childhood obesity. Its called Footbag.

‘Footbag is basically juggling with your feet. This sport is very, very different to Hacky-Sack although it is related. It’s catching [the footbag] and trying to do tricks between every catch,’ says the 29-year-old Neutral Bay resident.

I watch as Mr. Tapia launches the footbag into the air, circling it with his legs as it descends, and catches it on his foot. He can even spin his body or duck under the footbag with his head, between catches.

As unusual as the sport may sound, it appears Australia needs all the help it can get in combating the rapidly worsening obesity epidemic in this country. In 2006, The Age reported that Australia had the highest level of childhood obesity in the world. A report published in the International Journal of Pediatric Obesity in November of the same year, showed that 30% of Australia’s children aged between 5 and 15 years were obese. These figures, researchers claim, will double to 60% in the next 30 years unless something drastic is done.

That’s where Footbag comes in, says Dan Ednie-Lockett, a 19-year-old student from Melbourne, Victoria. Mr. Ednie-Lockett took top honours at this years Australian Footbag Championship in Hobart, Tasmania, and has even competed at the World Championships held by the sport’s governing body, the International Footbag Players Association.

“Footbag is a formidable medium through which children can gain fitness and lose weight. It offers potential for both aerobic exercise and development, and cardiovascular and respiratory movement.

“The challenging nature of the game makes it addictive, and this is an essential ingredient suiting it to school age children. As the Footbag is continuously needed to be kicked to stay off the ground, the exercise is consistent and sustained,â€