I apologize
For my dissapearance
my sadness
my sickness
i thought i'd come back and share myself, to the world that has kept me going. footbag has always been there for me, a constant progression, pushing hard, pushing harder, beginning, ending, its all coming back around. I never was much of a thinker, a philosopher or a friend, I kept to myself and got no where.... " where you going?...nowhere..." . Pushed myself , my family and forgotten friends away, went to school and forgot it all. I dont hate myself for it, i did what i wanted to do, or atleast think thats what I wanted, it may have been the only way to get through this bullhead, dove deeply into other worlds and finally swimming back to the top. where again, there was me, my family, my friends and footbag, floating around together. laughing, not crying. happy that I do have this passion , this awesome ability to push and express who i am, I started with the wrong reasons, well maybe not.
I started just like anyone else here, I really wanted to play. Id check it out through the lunch room window and want to go out so bad. i went out one day and had so much fun. a living art form that i could just express, unlike my mess of a mind. when i got into it though i just wanted to impress, to get every combo possible on camera, show it to all of you and feed this snowballed ego - that " I am so good at footbag ". I mean... i didnt get anywhere with that mindset except for a horrible one sidesness and a brick of a leg, along with a goal that killed my self confidence and passion.
Ive played off and on since 2003-04, never pushing extremely hard, except for that fake front I was posting on the boards here. I was setting myself up for failure, by the time a tournament rolled around I was not able to hit anything that I had captured that one time on video. hmmmm..
I was a fake, my game and myself were going in the wrong directions. I was so eager though, I would push and push and push in that garage until finally! finally I hit that damn move, sweating my ass off I'd capture it on the computer, a nice midnight snack for that wack ego.I kept it up in tx when I went to school, but there were other distractions in the middle of a desert far far far from home.... I did keep my endurance and drive though through tennis, thats what I went to school for. I went to a tennis teaching program called tennis tech, professional tennis magt. I learned a lot in a short amount of time, too much to put together at that moment, but everything that I experienced is slowly starting to come back to get her peace by piece, day by day. Mentally I feel stronger, and emotionally I still feel kind of numb but its atleast a knowledgable progressive numb. I'm striving to be better each day, breaking down all this garbage that was building up in me, trying to spread it all =out and keep what I believe to be good for me, not stuck in the past trying to put my thoughts in line with others, I didnt get anywhere, stuck in transition and never made a move for 4 years, always conscious of every minute detail that could possibly happen. Thats where kicking comes in for me, it fits my mindset to where it will slowly chill out all those habits ruts that i was stuck in, I just need to cut the egotistical jargen and play. I cant wait to see where I can go with this, without the pressures of how I will do or what ifs - man what a horrible way to think! transition sickness. And its not over by any means, but I want to keep this new thinking and keep on top of my intentions.
its not a thing to me anymore, its just one more whatever that seems to get me somewhere:)
So I cant fit my whole story in one post. I hope to keep this up and keep up with you. I love speaking again with confidence and compassion, family and friends mean more and more to me each day that I understand how to be.
....I have been kicking seriously, pushing harder then I have in the past, along with the right motivation and my good friend Paul Wackerow. we have both helped each other tremendously. We both ended up in Charlotte after college, hes my roomate, hes who I started kicking with. we learned the game together, videos, routines, sandbags! Hes still kicking even with the most hectic job I have ever been around, the guys got some style and drive! I love kicking with him. He hit mobius the other day, I mean we've been practicing and slowly each session you could see his spins getting better an better ( hes such a good toe player so spins were a far featched idea for a while ) but he pushed it, each time, closer and closer, he hit it the other night dead on, so clean. You dont have to say anything after those times, he did it, we did it, and theres no need to mess it up with words or thoughts, we sat there and enjoyed the accomplishment...two sweaty men in a tiny gym, smiling...along with one other older sweaty man in the corner throwing some weight around.
ryan
) all the time when I was starting, I got tons of inspiration from them.
I had a fun road trip last year, got to see my Grandparents in Towanda, PA. The Penn State crew! On up through Ithaca to Rochester where we had a great time. It felt good to be back in an area where I grew up, with a bunch of friends. But this year is a little different, I'm on my own with bills to pay and a beginning business. I'll keep you updated though. 
