Joke of the Day

ShredStylez · Post by **ShredStylez** » 11 Jun 2004 15:30

Kaos: that thing about the tatser of curry was the freakin best thing ive ever read. i'm crying im laughin so hard. thanx man.

MegaFighter_X · Post by **MegaFighter_X** » 11 Jun 2004 15:30

Oh man, that's funny! I pitty the foo'!

Expressions I question: "Lock him up and throw away the key."
But where do you tyhrow the key? Right out in front of the jail? His friends'll find it!

Also today I saw a sign that said "Shoes: Buy one get one free." I was thinking.. so... what if I only bought one shoe? Would the price reflect that, or did they mark up the price of one shoe just so they can break even?

Splint · Post by **Splint** » 15 Jun 2004 05:03

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5" at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and Louisiana.

Johnny · Post by **Johnny** » 15 Jun 2004 12:06

Good joke, good joke.

dblthnk84 · Post by **dblthnk84** » 15 Jun 2004 16:41

LOL!
________
marijuana trichomes

Spadrick · Post by **Spadrick** » 15 Jun 2004 16:51

Damn. I hope you didnt offend anyone on the board that may be from those places.

Still pretty funny.

NotHisRealName · Post by **NotHisRealName** » 16 Jun 2004 01:12

I heard these Michael Jackson jokes today. I actually hadn't heard them before, so I might share...

A: Knock Knock?

B: Who's there?

A: Little Boy Blue.

B: Little Boy Blue, Who?

A: Michael Jackson.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and pimples?

A: Pimples don't come on your face until you're at least 13.

xndru · Post by **xndru** » 16 Jun 2004 08:19

That last one is horribly funny.

Zippo · Post by **Zippo** » 16 Jun 2004 08:25

How do you know when it's bedtime at the jackson house?

when the big hand is on the little hand

david · Post by **david** » 16 Jun 2004 08:33

what does mcdonalds and mike jackson have in common?

they both stick their meat in 13 year old buns.

ZING!

Whatsfootbag? · Post by **Whatsfootbag?** » 16 Jun 2004 11:26

HAH...good one dave....damnit thats gross yet so funny...

shaggster · Post by **shaggster** » 16 Jun 2004 11:37

going along with the michael jackson jokes...

what do michael jackson and JC Penneys have in common?

they both have boys pants half off!!

my dad told me this one...

did you hear that michael jackson got food poisoning?

yeah he ate a 13 y/o weiner.!

what do santa and michael jackson have in common?

they both leave boys houses with their sacks half empty

SpaceMonkey · Post by **SpaceMonkey** » 16 Jun 2004 12:16

Wow, those are damn funny.

Tsiangkun · Post by **Tsiangkun** » 16 Jun 2004 13:38

Airline Rules:

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane: I think everyone's
asleep Let's go." This one's empty . . no-one's looking . . you go in
first." It's a bit cramped . . let me sit down." Have you got the condom?
Quick . . put it on." Sniff, sniff. "Ah, perfume you think of everything."
This is great . . (long sigh) Static on the loud speaker, then a new voice:;
This is the captain speaking. To those two people in the rear toilet. We know
what you're doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now
put out those cigarettes and take the condom off the smoke detector!

NotHisRealName · Post by **NotHisRealName** » 23 Jun 2004 02:09

A nun was sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "Mother
Superior, I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely
terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asked the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that was going
to go
280 yards, but it struck a phone line over the fairway and
straight down to the ground after only 100 yards."
"And that's when you swore?"
"No, Mother," said the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of
the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"And THAT'S when you swore?" asked the Mother Superior.
"Well, no," said the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was
running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in
his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed elder nun.
"No, as the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it
flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior impatiently.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand
trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the
hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Mother Superior sighed, and said "You missed the FUCKING putt,
didn't you?"

kaos · Post by **kaos** » 23 Jun 2004 02:33

That made me smile like this

If Operating Systems ran the airlines

UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...

Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the Seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

Splint · Post by **Splint** » 23 Jun 2004 04:41

The nun joke was hysterical

That's one you can actually remember long enough to run and tell people

kaos · Post by **kaos** » 23 Jun 2004 23:41

Mandela is enjoying a hearty breakfast - bacon, eggs, coffee,
croissants, toast, butter, jam, etc. when Bush, chewing gum, sits next to
him and starts a conversation:
Bush: "You South Africans eat the whole bread?"
Mandela: "Of course."
Bush (blowing bubble with his gum): "We don't.

In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we
collect
in a container, recycle, re-bake them into croissants and sell them to
South Africa."

Mandela: "Oh Really?"

Bush: "Do you eat jam with the bread?"

Mandela: "Of course."

Bush (chuckling and crackling his gum between his teeth): "We
don't.

In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all the
peels, seeds and left over's into containers, recycle them into jam and
sell it to South Africa."

Mandela: "Do you have sex in America?"

Bush: "Of course we do."

Mandela: "And what do you do with the condoms?"

Bush: "Throw them away of course."

Mandela: "We don't. We pack them into containers,recycle
them,
melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to America."

kaos · Post by **kaos** » 15 Jul 2004 05:05

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$750"

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy - "$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » 15 Jul 2004 06:06

AHHHHHH. That's too much Kobus.