Joke of the Day

MegaFighter_X · Post by **MegaFighter_X** » 15 Jul 2004 13:37

I choked on my food with that one... Nice job!

kaos · Post by **kaos** » 25 Jul 2004 23:35

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a
house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders
the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed
he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then goes up into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells the wife: "Listen, this guy's an
escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail
and hasn't seen a woman in years...
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he
nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill
us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds: " He wasn't
kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought
you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the
bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!"

Swampy · Post by **Swampy** » 26 Jul 2004 04:18

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

kaos · Post by **kaos** » 26 Jul 2004 23:41

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the
devil is waiting for him.
I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I
have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as
bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even
let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened
the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water; he
kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over.
Such was his fate in hell. "HELL No!" George said. "I don't think so.
I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No!
I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George. The devil
opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor
with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle
pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said....

"MONICA, you're free to go!"

NotHisRealName · Post by **NotHisRealName** » 27 Jul 2004 01:35

That one was awesome!
lol

zachatree · Post by **zachatree** » 27 Jul 2004 03:13

hahahaha

bigdirtyfoot · Post by **bigdirtyfoot** » 27 Jul 2004 03:48

Kobus that one was great

.

Swampy · Post by **Swampy** » 27 Jul 2004 10:56

You're the man!

I'll tell this joke to everyone when I have a chance to. And the others of yours too

.

brian relly · Post by **brian relly** » 27 Jul 2004 11:14

A man walks into a bar...

...ouch!

kaos · Post by **kaos** » 27 Jul 2004 11:14

The Balloonist and the Programmer

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is completely lost.
He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, I was wondering if can you tell me where I am? I seem to be lost."

The man below is surprised for a moment, and then replies "Yes, that's easy, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering about 25 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology, most probably a programmer." says the balloonist.

"I do, and I am," replies the man, looking mildly surprised, "How did you deduce that?"

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no actual use to anyone."

The man below replies, "Ah, you must work in business."

"Yes, I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know that?"

"Well", says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

SpaceMonkey · Post by **SpaceMonkey** » 27 Jul 2004 15:05

Stephen that website is great I read like 3 stories on it.

brian relly · Post by **brian relly** » 27 Jul 2004 15:08

Yeah, Adam and Vivian naked in school is awesome

SpaceMonkey · Post by **SpaceMonkey** » 27 Jul 2004 15:14

I sat down and read like half of that. Just about ready to read the rest.

zachatree · Post by **zachatree** » 27 Jul 2004 17:18

lol i cant belive i read that hole thing

SpaceMonkey · Post by **SpaceMonkey** » 27 Jul 2004 17:58

Great, wasn't it

zachatree · Post by **zachatree** » 27 Jul 2004 18:14

haha hell ya that was funny as shit on a stick...

i need to turn 21 so i can start going in to bars.... lol

lightningbolt · Post by **lightningbolt** » 27 Jul 2004 23:23

Modified.ca

kaos · Post by **kaos** » 29 Jul 2004 01:24

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very
sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after
arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his "tool" covered with bright
green and purple freckles. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor,
never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two
days.

The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says "I've got bad news for
you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of
here. We know very little about it". The man looks a little perplexed and
says "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc". The doctor answers "I'm sorry, there's no
known cure. We're going to have to amputate your "tool".

The man screams in horror "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".
The doctor replies "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but
surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know
more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his tool and proclaims
"Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor "Yeah yeah, I already know that but what we can
do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my tool?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs "Stupid Amelican docta,
always want to opelate. They make more money that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh Thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes" says the Chinese doctor "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off
by itself! You save money"

Air · Post by **Air** » 29 Jul 2004 01:29

Haha that was so funny!! Thanks kaos! This is a good topic.

kaos · Post by **kaos** » 29 Jul 2004 05:21

The doctor told a man that masturbating before sex often helped
men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the heck,
I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He
couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was
too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On the way home from work, he
pulled his 4X4 over on the side of the highway. He got out and
crawled underneath as if examining the vehicle. Satisfied with the
privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer
to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at his pants leg. Not wanting to
lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and
replied "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What in the hell are you doing?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes
too, because your 4x4 rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."