Joke of the Day

NotHisRealName · Post by **NotHisRealName** » 11 Aug 2004 00:56

lightingbolt wrote:I know 90% of the people on this fourm are guys, but, sorry, I just had to:

Why are guys like parking spaces?

Because all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are handicap!

BURN!

Hell, it's not like there's never been a female joke on Modified.

Heard it before, but it's still good.

Here's one...

I came up with these a while ago, but just never posted.

A Footbag is better than your (Significant other) because...

1. It doesn't mind you passing it round to all your friends to have a turn.
2. It won't call the cops every time you kick the shit out of it.
3. It's always up for trying something new.
4. You can have as many as you want/can afford, and it won't get jellous.
5. You can wear whatever you want when you take it out.
6. It's easy to replace.
7. It's always ready. You never have to wait for it.
8. You can get all hot and sweaty with it, without having to worry about sleeping in the wet spot.
9. It won't get upset if you have a go with your friends one.
10. You don't have to feel guilty about trading it in for a younger, less saggy model.

Maraxus · Post by **Maraxus** » 12 Aug 2004 02:20

nice jeremy, I'll throw one in I guess:

A starving foreigner visits a small village in the jungles of China. Searching for somebody kind enough to bring him in, he ends up at a cottage in which a small but elderly Chinese man greets him. The older man at closer inspection realizes that the man is obviously tired and no doubt hungry from his travels so he politely invites him in for supper and a night of rest on one condition. The old man tells the wanderer very firmly that if he touches his daughter he will preform Chinese Death Torcher on him. Being consumed by hunger the man doesn't hesitate to abide by the rules. Supper roles around shortly after as the sun sets and the foreigner, old man, and his daughter are all seated at the table. As he eats and worries less and less about the pains of his hunger his attention is brought upon the young woman who is extremely lovely. What's more, she is flirting with him while the old man does not notice. This sparks extreme interest in him but he remembers that he abided by the old man's rules. That night the foreigner is upstairs in the room provided for him and cannot stop thinking about this young lass and her impact upon him. It comes to the point where he disregards what the old guy says and thinks, whatever, I'm sure he was all talk about this Chinese Death Torcher. So that night he visits the girl and satisfies himself completely, enjoying the best night of sex he has ever experienced. He returns to his room thereafter and falls asleep. The next morning he wakes up with a large rock on his chest that reads "Chinese Death Torcher #1: Rock on Chest". Though surprised, he almost laughs that this could be considered torture. So he lifts the rock off his chest and tosses it out the window when he sees another note attached to the window reading "Chinese Death Torcher #2: Rock tied to right nut". Thinking quickly, he realizes that he would be much happier to sacrifice a limb then his precious jewels! So he jumps from the window after the rock when he sees one last note: "Chinese Death Torcher #3: Left nut tied to bedpost."

Johnny · Post by **Johnny** » 12 Aug 2004 19:31

From Ebaumsworld:

A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."

bigdirtyfoot · Post by **bigdirtyfoot** » 12 Aug 2004 20:47

That's also from like 2 or 3 pages back in THIS thread.

Although it's still pretty funny.

Jeremy · Post by **Jeremy** » 12 Aug 2004 21:11

ok.

A stock broker has been working flat out for almost 3 weeks straight and hasn't had any time for sex. He's feeling really pent up and really needs a good fuck. Things haven't been going to well at work and he only has $10 left in his wallet, but a big deal comes through which means he'll be worth over a million dollars when it clears. To celebrate he decides to go to a brothel.

He goes in and tells the woman at the front, "Look I really need a fuck, I've only got $10, please can you do something for me - I don't care what she looks like"

The woman takes his money and says, "Sure thing - third door on the left," pointing down the hallway.

He goes down and finds this beautiful blonde lieing on the bed, she's naked and her legs are spread. He's so keen he doesn't pause to say anything - just gets straight into it.

Things are going well to begin with and then suddenly she spits at him. He remembers that he only paid $10 and thinks "whatever turns her on."

but a bit later he does it again and he doesn't really like it so he says, "look I know I only paid $10 but I really don't like you spitting on my face can you please stop." She doesn't say anything and he continues to have sex with her. Then she spits on him again. This time he gets a bit pissed off and gets up and goes down the hallway to speak to the woman at the front counter again.

"look," he says. "I know I only paid $10 but she keeps spitting on me and I've asked her to stop - can you please do something about it"

The woman nods and yells through the staff door.

"Hey Frank, the corpse is full again"

kaos · Post by **kaos** » 12 Aug 2004 23:41

Nice

Spadrick · Post by **Spadrick** » 13 Aug 2004 01:03

Aww.

That joke is going to prevent adequate sleeping for the next six months..
Corpse... *shudder*

max · Post by **max** » 13 Aug 2004 01:23

what do politicians do when they die?

LIE, STILL!

innersmile · Post by **innersmile** » 13 Aug 2004 04:25

so this guy has to get through 3 challenges, after which he will get more money that Bill Gates to do with as he pleases.

The task master is standing infront of 3 doors.
door 1: 50 bottles of Jack Daniels (drink them)
door 2: Lion with a sore tooth (remove tooth)
door 3: beautiful woman (fuck her to death))

The man gets ready for his task... He steps behind door number 1 and gets busy drinking. A day or 2 later, he emerges, drunk as shit but pleased; he's 33.3% on his way to riches.

Eagerly he stumbles into door number 2. Almost instantly the task master hears this awful noise, banging, fighting, scratching, screaming, and load roars. This continues for sometime...

Again our hero emerges a bloody mess but he's still going.
"Right, now where's the blonde with the sore tooth?"

Nooch,

Maraxus · Post by **Maraxus** » 13 Aug 2004 07:27

I've heard that one but it was... better worded.

innersmile · Post by **innersmile** » 16 Aug 2004 01:10

How many babies does it take to paint a house?
depends how hard you throw them

Whats worse than finding 5 babies in a dustbin?
finding 1 baby in 5 dustbins

Ethiopean with a swollen foot?
golf club

____________________________

An American, an Englishman and a Chinaman are stranded on an island. They decide they need to set up camp soon.

The American delegates the task of finding a camp site to the Englishman who wanders off inland to see what he can find. The American decides to go for fire wood and the Chinaman is told to get supplies.

Hours go past when the American and Englishman are waiting at the campsite for the Chinaman to return. Dusk approaches with still no sign of the Chinaman. The 2 decide to get some rest and go searching for him the nextday.

Early the following morning the American and Englishman set off to find their lost companion. After hours of searching they still have not found their friend and are growing somewhat despondant. After lunch, they'll look again.

They eat a quick meal and continue on their search through the forrests of the island. A few more hours go past and it looks like all hope has been lost.

The 2 decide to return to camp when suddenly the Chinaman jumps from behind a bush and yells "SUPPLIES!!!"

kaos · Post by **kaos** » 17 Aug 2004 02:36

A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects milk,
some eggs, a carton of juice, and an apple.

As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, while a
drunk standing behind her in line watches. "You must be single,"
he slurs.

The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing
nothing unusual about her selection says, "That's right. How on
Earth did you know?"

"Simple," He replies, "you're ugly."

hacksterbator · Post by **hacksterbator** » 17 Aug 2004 09:13

how many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

WANNA RIDE BIKES?????????

innersmile · Post by **innersmile** » 18 Aug 2004 00:09

that ADD one rocked.

i'm lolling all over the place...

I was doing some work around the house last week. I had to fix a light fitting so I went to the garage to get my step ladder. My real ladder left home when I was 5...

qphox · Post by **qphox** » 20 Aug 2004 23:53

Greggggggggg! wrote:How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them

Wow, a dead (injured?) baby joke I haven't heard! Props!

Jeremy · Post by **Jeremy** » 21 Aug 2004 00:13

innersmile wrote:I was doing some work around the house last week. I had to fix a light fitting so I went to the garage to get my step ladder. My real ladder left home when I was 5...

Lol. I like really bad jokes like that one (no offence)
This is another bad joke (not revolting)

This rabbit goes into a bar and orders a glass of milk. The barman tells him they don't have any. The rabbit leaves. The next day the rabbit comes in and asks again. Again the barmen says they don't have any. The following day the rabbit comes in again and asks if they have any milk. The barman is getting a little pissed off and says. "Look if you come in here again and ask for milk I will personally nail your paws to the bar!!"

The next day the rabbit comes in. He looks sheepishly at the barman and then says, "Do you have any nails?"

The barman looks surprised and says, "No, sorry."

"Ok then," says the rabbit. "Do you have any milk?"

I think a friend of mine made that up and it took us a while to understand the punchline

Whatsfootbag? · Post by **Whatsfootbag?** » 21 Aug 2004 08:49

yea i heard a version about that one except it was a guy at a gas station look for grapes and the dude threatened to nail his balls to the ground.

qphox · Post by **qphox** » 21 Aug 2004 23:33

I heard it from a comic on TV, but it was a duck in a hair salon, looking for grapes.

kaos · Post by **kaos** » 21 Aug 2004 23:47

A young man grew fed up with modern life and decided to leave the big city
and become a shepherd, spending months in the seclusion of the distant
mountains alone with his thoughts and sheep. So he went up the high
mountains where he found three older shepherds with a big flock of sheep,
and asked them to show him the ropes. The shepherds agreed.

The young man spent a week with them. One evening by the fire he asked
casually,"So how do you guys get by with no women around here?" Said one
of the men, "Why, with so many sheep around, who needs women?" The
youngster shuddered: "Yak! How horrible! How can you...?" The three men
only smiled and said nothing.

Another week passed and one morning the young man realized that the
tension in his groin had grown unbearable. He remembered what the men had
said, and looking at the sheep, thought, "Hmm, why not after all...". He
chose a moment when none of the older shepherds were around, and grabbed
one of the nearest sheep. However, the others showed up in a minute, and
seeing him with the sheep burst out laughing.

"What? What?!!", shouted the young man, blushing. "You told me that's what
you did yourselves, didn't you??!"

"Yeah, sure! But to choose the ugliest one??!"

Colin · Post by **Colin** » 22 Aug 2004 07:40

Bad jokes, huh?

What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt!

What's orange and invisible?

No carrots.