Magazine Article

Jeremy · Post by **Jeremy** » 02 Jul 2005 02:35

Ok not really homework but I've been given the opportunity to write an article for a magazine called "Burst". I really really want it to be an awesome article that gets published so I thought I'd post it here and you can be as critical as you can and fix all my spelling and grammatical errors.

I also have to include carreer information and my top 5 sucess tips. If you think they could be worded better or something (they'll be published in the magazine too - but in a seperate "box" in the article) then please let me know.

Thanks for your help!!

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Footbag or as it’s sometimes known Hacky Sack™ (actually a trade mark) is probably something you haven’t seen beyond a bunch of guys standing around in a circle trying to keep a small crocheted bag off the ground. For me that was my first introduction to the sport and something that I did on and off for 5 years during lunchtime at school. It was always a social thing to do; most of the time you were busy talking about all the things that are important to fifteen year olds, rather than paying much attention to what’s going on with the bag.

Then one day it all changed. It was school holidays and I was bored at home surfing the internet. For some reason I had a sudden urge to find out if “Hacky Sack™” had much of a presence on the internet. After doing a quick search I came up with International Footbag Players Association homepage. The first thing I did was look at the trick list and immediately thought “no way – that’s impossible” when I read about a trick called “blurriest” which involved stalling the bag setting it into the air, going around it three times and then stalling it again. At that point my eye caught the submenu “videos” and I downloaded a low quality video of the world champion at the time doing his winning routine (Ryan Mulroney 2001). What I saw was the most amazing, coolest, most beautiful think I had ever seen and I immediately thought “wow I have to do that.”

I started memorising everything on the footbag.org website. I started practicing things over and over. In lunch time, at home, sometimes when I should be studying. At first I would be in a circle, the bag would come to me and I’d try a move I’d read about. The majority of time I would drop the bag and be blamed and taunted. But slowly, so slowly I couldn’t really notice that change was happening at all, I started getting better and better. I wouldn’t drop moves anymore; I lost interest in playing in a circle and started playing by myself, working on moves and combinations of those moves.

I finally got to play with other dedicated players a year and half after I’d taken up the sport at the New South Wales Freestyle Footbag Championships in conjunction with the Homebake music festival. What I saw blew my mind! The Australian Champion of the time was there and miles above me. It was one thing to read about what people could do or watch low quality videos where you could barely see the bag. It was another thing to see the moves and combinations being busted right in front of you.

From that point on I’ve practiced whenever I can, often hours every day. I’ve dedicated myself to achieving the level of performance that first inspired me into the sport.

But I feel like I’ve got a lot more out of the sport than my level of play. I’ve made friends from all around the world, from Canada to France to Japan. I’ve learnt a lot about myself about what I’m capable of. I’ve learnt that what you consider impossible, like “blurriest” seemed for me, is actually easy if you have the right attitude and the passion to achieve it.

Jeremy O’Wheel’s 5 Tips for Success:

1. Learn to be really good at one thing. Then you will know how to get good at things.
2. Believe in yourself. The only thing that really holds you back from any achievement is your attitude.
3. Think about what the priorities in your life are. Is it more important to follow a dream or to watch television?
4. Find something you love. Nothing will feel like hard work if you enjoy it enough.
5. Be patient. Most of the time you can’t achieve what you want overnight.

Jeremy O’Wheel – Career History

1st Place
2005 Australian Freestyle Footbag Championships Doubles Routine
2005 Australian Freestyle Footbag Championships Sick 3
2005 Australian Freestyle Footbag Championships Sick 1

Australian National Footbag Council Secretary 2005
International Footbag Players Association Members Committee 2005

Holder of 4 freestyle footbag world records

For more information on freestyle footbag please visit:
www.footbag.org
www.ausfootbag.org
www.flipsider.com

Jeremy · Post by **Jeremy** » 02 Jul 2005 02:37

Damn I can't edit my post

. I've already seen some small errors or things that could be more concise but I guess it won't hurt to have them pointed out from somebody else too

rodimius · Post by **rodimius** » 02 Jul 2005 08:20

The only thing that jarred a little was this line:

most of the time you were busy talking about all the things that are important to fifteen year olds

I think that "we" instead of "you" would sound better, and read better.
YMMV.

Oh and this line

After doing a quick search I came up with International Footbag Players Association homepage.

should have a "the".

Sporatical_Distractions · Post by **Sporatical_Distractions** » 06 Jul 2005 18:53

first sentence needs to be revised. it is extremely long. "or as it’s sometimes known Hacky Sack™" is an appositive and needs to be seperated from the rest of the sentence with commas. the parenthesis look akwardly placed as well. maybe seperate it into multiple sentences so it flows.

the semicolon is used incorrectly and needs to be replaced with a period.

will continue later

Sporatical_Distractions · Post by **Sporatical_Distractions** » 06 Jul 2005 20:15

make it the international footbag players association webpage

put a comma between stalling the bag and setting it into the air

use the word "most" one less time in the last sentence of second paragraph. it seems redundant.

memorising is spelt "memorizing"

use at lunch time instead of in lunch time.

At first I would be in a circle, the bag would come to me and I’d try a move I’d read about.: the second I'd is unnecessary use "that I had" I'd seems redundant

the second semicolon should also be replaced with a period.

"But slowly, so slowly I couldn’t really notice that change was happening at all, I started getting better and better. " sounds a bit akward.

the rest is great. nice job on the article jeremy

Jeremy · Post by **Jeremy** » 06 Jul 2005 20:24

Thanks for the tips!!

By the way in Australia (and in fact about 90% of the English speaking world) words like memorising are spelt with an s not a z. It's mainly just an American thing, although I've noticed that most of the people on this forum speaking english as a second langauge speak American english too.

Jamo · Post by **Jamo** » 07 Jul 2005 08:35

Footbag or as it’s sometimes known Hacky Sack™ (actually a trade mark) is probably something you haven’t seen beyond a bunch of guys standing around in a circle trying to keep a small crocheted bag off the ground.

="Footbag, or as it's sometimes known, Hacky Sack, is probably something....."

The commas indicate the break up in the sentence, and you dont need that little sentence in brackets because the little TM logo shows its a trademark.

For me that was my first introduction to the sport and something that I did on and off for 5 years during lunchtime at school.

="That was also my introduction to the sport, which led to me doing it for 5 years afterwards during school lunchtimes."

Its very informal and personal for an article, so ive formalised it up a bit. Also the "first introduction"...An intro is an intro, theres no second or first or what not.

It was always a social thing to do; most of the time you were busy talking about all the things that are important to fifteen year olds, rather than paying much attention to what’s going on with the bag.

="It was always more social than a hobby, talking about things fifteen year olds talk about while kicking the bag, rather than concentrating on the actual "Hacky Sack""

Again, formalised it a bit, less descriptive and personal. Says more while saying less....get what i mean.

I will do more later, gotta go to work in a moment.
Ive just finished my English Language at college level so i can proof read it if you want.