Well since Splint is picking on the ladies Laughing, what about
IF MEN DRINK...
Cider:
He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
Cheap Domestic Beer:
He's poor / student and wants to get laid.
Premium Local Beer:
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer:
He's old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Guinness:
The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
Water:
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so
that he can still get laid.
Wine:
He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image
and help him get laid.
Vodka or Brandy:
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
Port:
Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
Whisky:
He doesn't give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will
get in his way of getting laid.
Jack Daniels:
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine
activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.
Rum or Tequila:
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
Oh, and here is another one: